A Friend With One Mysterious Dirty Secret

In those days, I was in High School, a mixed school in Nairobi county where I had time with a few great people who still linger in my mind. I remember one time when I asked one girl, a student, what that one thing she wishes never happened in her life. In my amazement, she took my note-book and wrote the following short poetic story:

My heart cries him,

My tears have not yet dried down,

I can feel him in my heart,

But I can’t hold him,

Touch his hands,

Say I love you in whispers…

Long gone,

Gone from my life,

But still there in my heart..

So vivid is his image..

My true lost love.

I was touched by this piece that I remember a drop of fresh tear running down my scared cheek. Well, I did not have courage enough to  ask who he was, how important he was and why she just could not let go.

Yep! I chose to inquire more about her love life, her family and everything that might bring out the reality in her life. He close friend told me that she is a reserved person who hardly share something personal with her friends. That was something! Then why me?

Another person who happened to be her neighbor said that he does not know much about her because they moved in from an unknown place and that the family is not that close to neighbors. Okay, that was a dead-end!

I happened to know her brother from a neighboring school. So, I just made a move for friendship before digging further into their life. There I found out that their father died some years ago but his death hit his sister more than anyone else. That was when I was face with the last ‘why’ that only her could give me the right answer.

It was then that I decided to go and start a conversation that lead me to posing that one big question. I was already ready for the consequences.

Her only answers was like,

You already know why, and I don’t have to explain things that are so obvious’

Well, I understood her perfectly well. But I could not connect the dots to see how that was possible…

 

A Stranger That She Loved

She said that her husband does not like being close to her or to her children.  She only remembers the past as the most unforgettable moments for their love life but now, all that is gone.

According to her, her husband who is a known business person visits her very often but he is only there as a tourist. Even though he takes care of all financial needs of his family, he is only there to make a home whole but emotionally, he lost it all long time ago.

Whatever happened for him to change from a romantic, caring and loving husband to someone who is only there remains a puzzle that she can’t find a solution for.

She said that it all started when they had their second born… ‘As if it was a trigger for something that was sitting idle in his mind, it is never the same again since then’ she recalls.’

What she knows is that he is not cheating on her. She said she has done a lot of investigations into his life but nothing has come up indicating that he is seeing someone else.

In his other apartment where he stays, he only has a dog as a companion and no one else. He mostly keeps things by himself and nothing more about him.

Amazingly, he remembers her most important dates on their marriage calendar. He sends surprises to her very often. And he denies leaving his family in loneliness. In fact this is why she has never thought of filling for divorce.

When children are around, she makes sure that they do not feel neglected by their father. It is hard because as time goes, the more that everything is becoming so obvious that their father is like a tourist in their life.

Many women are going through such a situation. It is hard for them to act double— as a mother and father— however, with hope for better tomorrow, they hang in there.

Trapped In An Abusive Relationship?

You have been putting up with his/ her nasty behaviors for a while. In years you have been looking for ways to change your lover to someone much better. But along the way down the road you realize that the person is only changing for worse, what would you do next?

Dealing with an abusive person is not easy. And in most cases, these people only changes for worse, making it even more impossible to tolerate much further.

An abusive person maybe that person who uses bitter words towards your (verbal attack) or that one who uses both verbal and physical attacks on you…. It hurts whichever the way, and it needs your final decision as the way you want to live your life.

Here you need to determine things that trigger such attacks. If you find them easily, try your level best to minimize your exposure to them. By eliminating the base for bitter confrontations, you will come to notice that minus such, you have a much better life with him or her.

Another thing that might help is giving him/her a space that limits much contact. If it means communication, then limit how you interact with the person, but be there when he or she needs you. That big space is a sure away of telling the person that you are looking for means to avoid trouble.

Remember an abusive person would look for quick means to hurting you the most. They are there to make you see the world from a daring angle. However, no body on earth is perfect enough to go around messing with other people’s peace. Look for his or her weaknesses. Exploring ways to bring down his/her abusive side to your advantage will be the best way of handling the person. Be sure to know and an angle to take when dealing with him or her. Just don’t over do it..

Partners discussing one another with third parties

A Muslim couple being wed alongside the Tungab...

A Muslim couple being wed alongside the Tungabhadra River at Hampi, India. In the background, a Hindu man is taking his ritual bath. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Communication for married couples is very important because you need one another’s views for the success of your staying together. But I remember a radio show a few days ago whereby different participants how they felt about this issue. But it turned to be like a blame game as both men and women took this chance to trade accusations as to who is in the wrong when it comes to displaying marital issues to a third party.

So this lady called and said that for any women who go ahead to discuss their husbands with other married women, it was for the sake of getting help. She went ahead and said that your experiencing something with your man and how you went about may after all help another woman in the same situation. She also said men cannot plead innocence in all this because they also discuss their wives with the side chick so as to really show that she is the better option as far as his marital status is concerned.

Then this other man said that it is wrong for any woman to go out there and discuss he man with other married women. He further added that women do not realize that they are enemies of themselves since whatever problem that you are naively sharing with them will still find itself to other uninterested parties. He also said that the minute a woman thinks that taking the husband’s problems to her pals will be of any help, that’s where she loses track because she only becomes a laughing stock.

I think may it be anyone’s wife or husband, there is no way that you can entrust the solution of your problems with a third party. It’s only viable that two partners seat down together and discuss any pressing issue and devise the way forward.

To get married or not

Just yesterday, there was a heading in the print media that stated that marriage is not for everyone and obviously this attracted views from different individuals. In this forum, the opening remark was whether anyone in the married lot if given an opportunity would consider being single again. This man said he once asked his mother to give him reasons why he should get married and she told him for one is to have children and to have someone to cook for him. But he went on and said that it doesn’t mean that being single has ever made him hungry pointing out that he feels he is okay alone.

Then this other lady said that her partner has made her realize a lot of potential in herself and so she would not hesitate being married to him again and again. She further added that hers is a successful marriage even though they have had their ups and downs but they have still been able to sail through as a couple.

But for a once happy marriage to turn to a regretful relationship there must be a lot that happens to make couples not being able to cope. Couples do not just wake up one day to replace their love with hate but the truth is all this happens gradually. I sometimes think you cannot just let go everything, better put some efforts to save the situation.

Then I don’t usually see it wise to rule out being married due to the experience of your friend somewhere whose marriage failed and so this should not be the element of discouragement. We are all different and no one’s failure should dictate what path that we decide to take in our life. But anyway it all depends your take on all this because there are those who think marriage is not an institution that they can venture in.

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