I will not consider this post as a rant because I will not rant. I will just say how I feel and it does not include any violent reaction. I already get used to feeling useless. It becomes normal to me now. Whatever happening at present is a result of a wrong decision. Maybe I prioritized something that I thought will able to help a lot of people but I was wrong. Sometimes by helping the people around you will be the cause of your lost. You lose your life in the process of wrong decision. Unfortunately, those people you gave all the benefits fail to give something in return. That is why I learned the hard way of never rely on people immediately. I need to ask myself if I able to solve a problem on my own first and if there is no way I can solve it, then I need the people I can count on.
It hurts that the people you gave all your effort, to make their lives to be easy, to help solve their problems are the people making you feel you are useless at present. Instead of helping you with some words of wisdom, support and advises, they fail to do it and they are busy with their own lives because they cannot get anything from me anymore. Maybe “friend’s with benefits” or more than that. I learning on my own now and I want to be alone this time. If I choose to be quiet it is because I want to feel how they make me feel these past years. Maybe some of them don’t mean it, but I trust my instinct more, I know how I feel. I know what is true, I can feel it by their actions towards me. I will not waste my time thinking about them and this will be the last time that I will be having a good effort of talking about them.
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The feeling of being tired has become a household name in my system, lol. To be honest, as soon as I wake up in the morning, oops, nope, in the afternoon, I will feel tired. As soon as get up in bed, I am tired. I always have the thinking that there is nothing meaningful that will happen. I know I have goals and my goal achieving activity starts during the night till morning. As soon as I woke up, I don’t have any sense of energy or looking forward situation, maybe, because I am tired already.
Am I tired with life already? I am not sure.
This week will be a transformation. I know there is always a reason to wake up in the morning and in the morning, not in the afternoon. I need to adjust my sleeping pattern. One thing is for sure, it will be hard. It will be hard because I feel tired. I am always tired. I am thinking thyroid problem, but nope I am cleared with that. This is something Psychological and it could be caused by my wrong thinking about life. I know I have the right goal, but maybe the planning is not based on reality. I know I did my best on that one, there will come a time I will re-adjust the plan again. It depends on what will happen this week.
Just to be exact, I think I need to pamper myself. All I do for the rest of the days I have no job is to work online, earn money, be frustrated when the money expected did not arrive, worry about someone’s problem, praying and praying, then worry about the problems at home. I already forgot that I exists. That I should exists more than of a problem. Now I can’t decide what I really want, is that a cup of coffee, a big hug from someone or a year of sleeping.
Tired, i feel tired.
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I do not have the energy to get out of the house earlier. Besides having 2 hours of sleep because of the weather, I know what will happen on my results. I already know. The woman instinct is working on me. Despite I don’t feel any pain in my body, I can tell that there is a presence of bacteria. From time to time, when I am using the bathroom, I am checking the color of my urine. It is slight yellow in color and clear. I wonder if the clear one still have the presence of bacteria. I even asked my bestfriend if I could put a water in my urine. My bestfriend is a nursing graduate so I mostly rely on her when it comes to medical facts. She said the medical technologist that will test my urine will able to know if a water is added. I must not put any trick to it. Besides I really want to get clear with this. I want this long time problem to get solved.
When I woke up, I stayed in bed for an hour. I really don’t want to take a bath. I charged my phone and still having low energy. I am thinking that if the Ob Gyn will able to see the results, she will force the Urine Culture. Yes, I need that process, but I can’t find one in my place. It is unavailable. It is not available in the hospital either. Where will I go. I inquired at St. Lukes and Makati Medical and it ranges from 1800-2000 pesos. I can’t afford it. That is the major reason I don’t want to get out of the house earlier.
Whatever, whatever, that is what I told myself. I already feel that I still have the presence of bacteria and must be accepting what needs to do after that. I will follow the doctor’s order, that is the right thing to do.
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