Reasons to Rant and Be Grateful

I haven’t been blogging in here for such a long time. I know I visited the site last September 5, my birthday. I missed blogging in here and it becomes my way of breathing. Let me share you some of the roller coaster ride of my life. I am thinking what will I start first, could I start with negative or positive? I guess, I want to start with Positive News. Let us start.

Positive

I learned the site called Niume. I find friends that help me how to survived there but I can’t survive due to low visit on my blog. I am still positive I will get along with the site because it is always reminded me of Blogjob, but not in earning. I still prefer Blogjob and I still want to write in this site. I am still in love with this site.

I learned how to set aside negativity. I have to be honest that I am always been negative but during the busy hours that I am trying to make money, I set aside it. Even if I am hearing some arguments at home, I do not join. I rather put my earphone and play some music and set aside this kind of emotion. Negativity puts me down and it never stop from happening, but at least I learned how to set aside it the time that I need to be focus of what really matters.

I am earning $30 a month. It is less but I am still earning. This is still something to be grateful for.

I have been to a lot of pain. The pain is even more painful triple to what I had experienced before. I worked on my pain. I am not sure if I did fight, but I work on how to deal with it. Working on how to deal with pain doesn’t take away the pain, but it only helps you to move on when there is no pain anymore and deal with it when it is there again.

God is looking down on me. He is checking on me I know. During the times I am scared, I know he is whispering that there is nothing to be scared. Right now I am seriously wanting to improve my faith on him because I know I have less faith.

I believe I should start over, but I need help. Even if I am asking, I still need it. Right now I am learning to pray that someone will remember and not asking them directly.

 

 

Negative

Earning is less. No regular internet. I am using my mobile and try to earn within 3-4 hours. I am earning $30 a month. It is lesser to what I am needing in a month. $400 for medicine/hospital bills and $200 funds at home to help the family. I should be earning $600 a month. Some people are earning that, unfortunately I am not.

I had a spasm and doctors do not agree. They diagnosed it as mild stroke. I couldn’t believe but I know I had a lot of pain on my left arm, I cannot raised it and been to a lot of pain that had me bed ridden for quite a while.

I went to the doctor and doctors hate me, lol. I had to sign a waiver that I need to get out instead of being admitted. Is it lack of money or because I do not love myself anymore? I really don’t know. My course of action is to always sign a waiver and ask for prayers. I am a useless patient, but hey, I hate hospital, especially hospital bills. If I did not survive this illness, maybe that is what supposed to happen.

Tinycents, another online sites did not pay some pending payments. I am member of that. Tinycents reminds me of Bubblews and I never thought even with Payments. It seems that the owner doesn’t care and that’s really irritate me. You know what, even if a site failed to pay its member a transparency post is needed. Transparency post like Blogbourne did. This post is like admitting to the members what is really happening with the site. An owner who is honest gets sympathy and that is what I am looking for. It even made them stop the some mean reviews about their site if they are being honest with what is the problem the site is facing. They can even get some people to help them on how to solve the problem. However, they remain silent and wishing people will forget. You are big wrong.

Friends stop helping me with supplying money for medicine, even to those who are always promising. I do not blame them. They have their own life to deal with and I am just a mosquito flying around them. I will also stop contacting them not because of bitterness, but because I don’t want them to remember me as a person who is always asking for money. They will surely receive a greeting in the coming holidays, but I will not mentioned about money. I am not their responsibility. It is hurting me, but it will be okay.

Standing on my own, when I can’t literally stand, lol, is my decision right now. It is hard yet this is what I need. I need to stand alone when no one else is there to help me. Is this negative? Maybe for now but the time comes I am thanking myself for this decision.

 

Do not pity me. I need prayers more. I need to survive this like you who is struggling with life also. We all have our problems to deal with and let us pray for each other.

Image credit: https://pixabay.com/en/figure-iraqis-the-water-s-edge-1769769/

My Birthday Wish…or a Dead End

Lately, life is tough for me. First, I miss Blogjob. If only Blogjob is still on the paying mode, there are lesser problem when it comes to finances because I know for myself that I will be working hard on this site. However, we need to accept the temporary suspension until the time it will come back. I am still praying it will come back. Second, this illness. I am now on medication but I skipped for 3 weeks already because of financial problem. It should not be that way because I thought my friends could allow me to have some loans but most of them had turned their backs on me because they need the money the most. It is so hard for me to ask them for their own money. I am really tempted to ask them to send me some money that they promised but since they did not replied to messages on Facebook and on mobile messages, I know the answer. I can’t force them and I don’t have a choice but to feel sorry for myself.

Third, I consider this a good news. I should be on surgery, but still the medicine I am taking as of the moment (which I stopped taking for 3 weeks now) is getting effective. My doctor said that if it gets effective for a month then I need to drink it as a maintenance and repair. Since I stop taking this medicine, this is the bad news. I have been through a lot of pain, most on the right side of my body. Spotting also happens and I do not understand why I need to have that because I thought on my ultrasound that the laceration already stick together, so where does the blood is coming from. I cannot agree that laceration is still fresh when they are still sticking together and not slice like it used too. However, I can’t ask the doctor about it, I can’t even report the spotting or the little blood because she might be angry at me for skipping the medicine. Everything that is happening is within me and of course, now you know.

Fourth, I supposed to be coming back last night for another checkup but I decided to skipped it because of again financial problem and I am so afraid that she will find out what is happening. I am also scared to know if it get severe. Surely, I will lose my breath when she will say it get severe. I will die in an instant. I just made an excuse not to be check for this week but she is not allowing me to skip the next week. Oh my!!

You know what it is hard to breathe right now, with all the pressure I have been getting just because of money problem and this illness. I do not stop praying, I still pray. Only God can give miracles. In a snap, he will give it to me with a sincere heart. I stop the fund raising at GoFundMe because it is hopeless. I got money from the government, thankfully, but I already used it up. Beside me, my dog got ill last month, went to vent, but she didn’t survived. Most of my money went to her and even on her burial. I also finances some needs at home. All money went to zero.

Next month is already my birthday month. On the 5th day is my special day. It is always a regular day to me. I don’t know why I treat it as a regular day. Right now, I am into the worst part so I really want to forget about it. If only we have September 4 and then September 6 already. With all the negativities I have right now, when someone greets me a happy birthday for sure I will be crying because of all the pain.

I decided to write it now because I am not sure if I am still here on Earth on the next coming days. While I have the time, my wish is to everyone to pray for me to give me more wisdom to understand what is happening. I am aware but I need to dig deeper so that I will not be hurt but accept everything as part of the challenge of my life. I thought I was strong enough to accept it, but day by day I get weaker and weaker, and now hopeless. Sometimes I am thinking, I don’t want to wake up anymore. I know it is wrong, but it is just a normal response of a negative person. I don’t know what to do sometimes. Even a tight hug cannot make me feel okay.

Please continue to pray to for the negativities be thrown somewhere else. There are times I am thinking how will I be buried. What will happen to my family? How can they ask for money? Who will do everything just to have my remains be buried? That is the worst kind of imagination but I am really thinking about it. I always ask for forgiveness to all of my sin. I don’t know if I will be here tomorrow, so I must prepare myself.

I really want to ask help, but I am ashamed of myself for asking help. I don’t know why. I always think that they already helped me so I must stop asking help when it comes to finances. I wish there will be something that will appear on my hand. One day, I wish there will be some friends that will visit me, become aware of my situation and come back one day with financial help. I wish that those who promised me to support for my medicine bills have spare money on the coming month and share it to me or allow me to loan it, even with percent. On how I can pay back in return, I don’t have any idea. All I know is that I need money for my medicine bills. Every negativity I have right now evolved on this medicine that is why I feel down.

I need miracle. I am in between “hoping I continue to live to just die situation” and I feel useless. Please pray for me to be strong, to keep fighting, to make this one heal even without medicine, to make the impossible possible….I need any help you can give…..

I hope not to feel any regret sharing this….

Please pray for me…

 

 

Image credit to https://pixabay.com/en/dead-end-sign-cul-de-sac-hopeless-1529593/

 

 

Whatever, Whatever

I do not have the energy to get out of the house earlier. Besides having 2 hours of sleep because of the weather, I know what will happen on my results. I already know. The woman instinct is working on me. Despite I don’t feel any pain in my body, I can tell that there is a presence of bacteria. From time to time, when I am using the bathroom, I am checking the color of my urine. It is slight yellow in color and clear. I wonder if the clear one still have the presence of bacteria. I even asked my bestfriend if I could put a water in my urine. My bestfriend is a nursing graduate so I mostly rely on her when it comes to medical facts. She said the medical technologist that will test my urine will able to know if a water is added. I must not put any trick to it. Besides I really want to get clear with this. I want this long time problem to get solved.

When I woke up, I stayed in bed for an hour. I really don’t want to take a bath. I charged my phone and still having low energy. I am thinking that if the Ob Gyn will able to see the results, she will force the Urine Culture. Yes, I need that process, but I can’t find one in my place. It is unavailable. It is not available in the hospital either. Where will I go. I inquired at St. Lukes and Makati Medical and it ranges from 1800-2000 pesos. I can’t afford it. That is the major reason I don’t want to get out of the house earlier.

Whatever, whatever, that is what I told myself. I already feel that I still have the presence of bacteria and must be accepting what needs to do after that. I will follow the doctor’s order, that is the right thing to do.

 

Photo from Pixabay