My Birthday Wish…or a Dead End

Lately, life is tough for me. First, I miss Blogjob. If only Blogjob is still on the paying mode, there are lesser problem when it comes to finances because I know for myself that I will be working hard on this site. However, we need to accept the temporary suspension until the time it will come back. I am still praying it will come back. Second, this illness. I am now on medication but I skipped for 3 weeks already because of financial problem. It should not be that way because I thought my friends could allow me to have some loans but most of them had turned their backs on me because they need the money the most. It is so hard for me to ask them for their own money. I am really tempted to ask them to send me some money that they promised but since they did not replied to messages on Facebook and on mobile messages, I know the answer. I can’t force them and I don’t have a choice but to feel sorry for myself.

Third, I consider this a good news. I should be on surgery, but still the medicine I am taking as of the moment (which I stopped taking for 3 weeks now) is getting effective. My doctor said that if it gets effective for a month then I need to drink it as a maintenance and repair. Since I stop taking this medicine, this is the bad news. I have been through a lot of pain, most on the right side of my body. Spotting also happens and I do not understand why I need to have that because I thought on my ultrasound that the laceration already stick together, so where does the blood is coming from. I cannot agree that laceration is still fresh when they are still sticking together and not slice like it used too. However, I can’t ask the doctor about it, I can’t even report the spotting or the little blood because she might be angry at me for skipping the medicine. Everything that is happening is within me and of course, now you know.

Fourth, I supposed to be coming back last night for another checkup but I decided to skipped it because of again financial problem and I am so afraid that she will find out what is happening. I am also scared to know if it get severe. Surely, I will lose my breath when she will say it get severe. I will die in an instant. I just made an excuse not to be check for this week but she is not allowing me to skip the next week. Oh my!!

You know what it is hard to breathe right now, with all the pressure I have been getting just because of money problem and this illness. I do not stop praying, I still pray. Only God can give miracles. In a snap, he will give it to me with a sincere heart. I stop the fund raising at GoFundMe because it is hopeless. I got money from the government, thankfully, but I already used it up. Beside me, my dog got ill last month, went to vent, but she didn’t survived. Most of my money went to her and even on her burial. I also finances some needs at home. All money went to zero.

Next month is already my birthday month. On the 5th day is my special day. It is always a regular day to me. I don’t know why I treat it as a regular day. Right now, I am into the worst part so I really want to forget about it. If only we have September 4 and then September 6 already. With all the negativities I have right now, when someone greets me a happy birthday for sure I will be crying because of all the pain.

I decided to write it now because I am not sure if I am still here on Earth on the next coming days. While I have the time, my wish is to everyone to pray for me to give me more wisdom to understand what is happening. I am aware but I need to dig deeper so that I will not be hurt but accept everything as part of the challenge of my life. I thought I was strong enough to accept it, but day by day I get weaker and weaker, and now hopeless. Sometimes I am thinking, I don’t want to wake up anymore. I know it is wrong, but it is just a normal response of a negative person. I don’t know what to do sometimes. Even a tight hug cannot make me feel okay.

Please continue to pray to for the negativities be thrown somewhere else. There are times I am thinking how will I be buried. What will happen to my family? How can they ask for money? Who will do everything just to have my remains be buried? That is the worst kind of imagination but I am really thinking about it. I always ask for forgiveness to all of my sin. I don’t know if I will be here tomorrow, so I must prepare myself.

I really want to ask help, but I am ashamed of myself for asking help. I don’t know why. I always think that they already helped me so I must stop asking help when it comes to finances. I wish there will be something that will appear on my hand. One day, I wish there will be some friends that will visit me, become aware of my situation and come back one day with financial help. I wish that those who promised me to support for my medicine bills have spare money on the coming month and share it to me or allow me to loan it, even with percent. On how I can pay back in return, I don’t have any idea. All I know is that I need money for my medicine bills. Every negativity I have right now evolved on this medicine that is why I feel down.

I need miracle. I am in between “hoping I continue to live to just die situation” and I feel useless. Please pray for me to be strong, to keep fighting, to make this one heal even without medicine, to make the impossible possible….I need any help you can give…..

I hope not to feel any regret sharing this….

Please pray for me…



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