Reasons to Rant and Be Grateful

I haven’t been blogging in here for such a long time. I know I visited the site last September 5, my birthday. I missed blogging in here and it becomes my way of breathing. Let me share you some of the roller coaster ride of my life. I am thinking what will I start first, could I start with negative or positive? I guess, I want to start with Positive News. Let us start.

Positive

I learned the site called Niume. I find friends that help me how to survived there but I can’t survive due to low visit on my blog. I am still positive I will get along with the site because it is always reminded me of Blogjob, but not in earning. I still prefer Blogjob and I still want to write in this site. I am still in love with this site.

I learned how to set aside negativity. I have to be honest that I am always been negative but during the busy hours that I am trying to make money, I set aside it. Even if I am hearing some arguments at home, I do not join. I rather put my earphone and play some music and set aside this kind of emotion. Negativity puts me down and it never stop from happening, but at least I learned how to set aside it the time that I need to be focus of what really matters.

I am earning $30 a month. It is less but I am still earning. This is still something to be grateful for.

I have been to a lot of pain. The pain is even more painful triple to what I had experienced before. I worked on my pain. I am not sure if I did fight, but I work on how to deal with it. Working on how to deal with pain doesn’t take away the pain, but it only helps you to move on when there is no pain anymore and deal with it when it is there again.

God is looking down on me. He is checking on me I know. During the times I am scared, I know he is whispering that there is nothing to be scared. Right now I am seriously wanting to improve my faith on him because I know I have less faith.

I believe I should start over, but I need help. Even if I am asking, I still need it. Right now I am learning to pray that someone will remember and not asking them directly.

 

 

Negative

Earning is less. No regular internet. I am using my mobile and try to earn within 3-4 hours. I am earning $30 a month. It is lesser to what I am needing in a month. $400 for medicine/hospital bills and $200 funds at home to help the family. I should be earning $600 a month. Some people are earning that, unfortunately I am not.

I had a spasm and doctors do not agree. They diagnosed it as mild stroke. I couldn’t believe but I know I had a lot of pain on my left arm, I cannot raised it and been to a lot of pain that had me bed ridden for quite a while.

I went to the doctor and doctors hate me, lol. I had to sign a waiver that I need to get out instead of being admitted. Is it lack of money or because I do not love myself anymore? I really don’t know. My course of action is to always sign a waiver and ask for prayers. I am a useless patient, but hey, I hate hospital, especially hospital bills. If I did not survive this illness, maybe that is what supposed to happen.

Tinycents, another online sites did not pay some pending payments. I am member of that. Tinycents reminds me of Bubblews and I never thought even with Payments. It seems that the owner doesn’t care and that’s really irritate me. You know what, even if a site failed to pay its member a transparency post is needed. Transparency post like Blogbourne did. This post is like admitting to the members what is really happening with the site. An owner who is honest gets sympathy and that is what I am looking for. It even made them stop the some mean reviews about their site if they are being honest with what is the problem the site is facing. They can even get some people to help them on how to solve the problem. However, they remain silent and wishing people will forget. You are big wrong.

Friends stop helping me with supplying money for medicine, even to those who are always promising. I do not blame them. They have their own life to deal with and I am just a mosquito flying around them. I will also stop contacting them not because of bitterness, but because I don’t want them to remember me as a person who is always asking for money. They will surely receive a greeting in the coming holidays, but I will not mentioned about money. I am not their responsibility. It is hurting me, but it will be okay.

Standing on my own, when I can’t literally stand, lol, is my decision right now. It is hard yet this is what I need. I need to stand alone when no one else is there to help me. Is this negative? Maybe for now but the time comes I am thanking myself for this decision.

 

Do not pity me. I need prayers more. I need to survive this like you who is struggling with life also. We all have our problems to deal with and let us pray for each other.

Image credit: https://pixabay.com/en/figure-iraqis-the-water-s-edge-1769769/

Reflection of the Day: Seeking the Kingdom of God

I am reading a passage from the bible from a book that similar to The Daily Bread. My sister gave this to me when she visited The Fiest. I remember my cousin’s birthday is today because of that book but I forgot to read it. When I kept the book in the drawer, I begin to wonder why I even did not read the passage. I put it out again to read and I learned something.

People are all busy making money. Making money in many ways has every valid reason, however, have we ever wonder to seek the kingdom of God. God? Have we become busy of finding ways on how to be able to enter the gate to His Kingdom?

I have to admit I have all my emotions fixed in my heart after reading it. I still have lots to say about what is happening in my life right now, but I never realized I am not even thinking about what will happen to my soul when I die. For a person who is ill, I am always have the thoughts of dying. It always enters in my mind that I might not wake up the other day. I never realized that I am not really afraid of it because I am not doing something for my soul. I know I have to clear it. I have to clear it with forgiveness and make peace of myself before with other people. I haven’t started anything yet and I still feel relaxed.

We are all busy making money for Christmas, as it is coming 51 days, I guess, however, we are not aware anytime soon the world will ends in a blink of an eye. As the saying that it will be stolen for us, but God will give us a sign. Every famine, every war, every catastrophe is a signal that it will happen. I am not making you scared. This post has no intention of doing that. What I meant to say is that if we are busy in our lives, our family, love life and career, we should insert something for our soul. In fact, we should think more about our soul, for God give his son Jesus and everyone living here in the world should be like Jesus. It is hard to be Jesus, but something do with with saving our soul, we should really do that. We should do some reflection, it starts today. You never know what will happen the next day….

 

https://pixabay.com/en/sunset-saskatoon-landscape-370244/

Today is My Day!

Today, I am celebrating my birthday, however, I am not celebrating. I am just treating this date as remembering my birth date and that’s it. There is nothing special at home. There is no special greetings, no celebration, no food preparation. It is just a normal day. The only difference is, it is my birthday.

There are people celebrating their birthday today as well. I hope they are happy. I am not happy, but I am grateful. I have 3 of my friends greeted me earlier. Two of my relatives click the like button on my post at Facebook. Other than that, the greetings came from my parents and my brother. My sister already greeted me last night. I received greetings for my dog, but I am not sure if they are aware about what is happening. They are wiggling their tails, I hope they are happy for me.

Again, I am not happy. I even smirked when I am reading the word “Happy” on my birthday. I don’t want to fool myself, I am not happy. What I know is that, I am grateful. I went to Adoration Chapel on the church near my place and give thanks to God to all of the blessings he had given to me. I also thank him for the life and the another chance to live. I am ill, but I am not dying. There will be times that I will be having a good life. I am wishing for a good life. Even if my dreams will not come true, I just wish that my loved ones do. I am not looking forward actually. I am just praying for the safety of my family, that there will be someone that will provide their needs. I even did not prayed for my condition. Maybe I am losing hope, but I know God will work miracles for me, but I wish not to anticipate anything.

Yes, I know you feel negative about this post, but again, I told you, I don’t want to fool myself. It is my birthday. I have all the right to be true about what I feel.

Before I forgot, I want to thank Sheridan for all the help he had done to me, financially. He is a blessing to me. That is why I wish the site will come back. I miss everything. I miss the earning, I miss my hard work, I miss having to blog comfortably, I miss my friends here, I miss my old life. I guess this is part of my depression.

I will not stay negative I know. Time will tell. But right now, let me be true to myself.

Today is my day, I am Grateful. Thanks to God. Thanks Sheridan, thanks to all of my online friends, thanks to Blogjob, thanks to online earnings!!

 

Image credit: https://pixabay.com/en/balloons-party-girl-happy-walking-388973/

 

 

My Birthday Wish…or a Dead End

Lately, life is tough for me. First, I miss Blogjob. If only Blogjob is still on the paying mode, there are lesser problem when it comes to finances because I know for myself that I will be working hard on this site. However, we need to accept the temporary suspension until the time it will come back. I am still praying it will come back. Second, this illness. I am now on medication but I skipped for 3 weeks already because of financial problem. It should not be that way because I thought my friends could allow me to have some loans but most of them had turned their backs on me because they need the money the most. It is so hard for me to ask them for their own money. I am really tempted to ask them to send me some money that they promised but since they did not replied to messages on Facebook and on mobile messages, I know the answer. I can’t force them and I don’t have a choice but to feel sorry for myself.

Third, I consider this a good news. I should be on surgery, but still the medicine I am taking as of the moment (which I stopped taking for 3 weeks now) is getting effective. My doctor said that if it gets effective for a month then I need to drink it as a maintenance and repair. Since I stop taking this medicine, this is the bad news. I have been through a lot of pain, most on the right side of my body. Spotting also happens and I do not understand why I need to have that because I thought on my ultrasound that the laceration already stick together, so where does the blood is coming from. I cannot agree that laceration is still fresh when they are still sticking together and not slice like it used too. However, I can’t ask the doctor about it, I can’t even report the spotting or the little blood because she might be angry at me for skipping the medicine. Everything that is happening is within me and of course, now you know.

Fourth, I supposed to be coming back last night for another checkup but I decided to skipped it because of again financial problem and I am so afraid that she will find out what is happening. I am also scared to know if it get severe. Surely, I will lose my breath when she will say it get severe. I will die in an instant. I just made an excuse not to be check for this week but she is not allowing me to skip the next week. Oh my!!

You know what it is hard to breathe right now, with all the pressure I have been getting just because of money problem and this illness. I do not stop praying, I still pray. Only God can give miracles. In a snap, he will give it to me with a sincere heart. I stop the fund raising at GoFundMe because it is hopeless. I got money from the government, thankfully, but I already used it up. Beside me, my dog got ill last month, went to vent, but she didn’t survived. Most of my money went to her and even on her burial. I also finances some needs at home. All money went to zero.

Next month is already my birthday month. On the 5th day is my special day. It is always a regular day to me. I don’t know why I treat it as a regular day. Right now, I am into the worst part so I really want to forget about it. If only we have September 4 and then September 6 already. With all the negativities I have right now, when someone greets me a happy birthday for sure I will be crying because of all the pain.

I decided to write it now because I am not sure if I am still here on Earth on the next coming days. While I have the time, my wish is to everyone to pray for me to give me more wisdom to understand what is happening. I am aware but I need to dig deeper so that I will not be hurt but accept everything as part of the challenge of my life. I thought I was strong enough to accept it, but day by day I get weaker and weaker, and now hopeless. Sometimes I am thinking, I don’t want to wake up anymore. I know it is wrong, but it is just a normal response of a negative person. I don’t know what to do sometimes. Even a tight hug cannot make me feel okay.

Please continue to pray to for the negativities be thrown somewhere else. There are times I am thinking how will I be buried. What will happen to my family? How can they ask for money? Who will do everything just to have my remains be buried? That is the worst kind of imagination but I am really thinking about it. I always ask for forgiveness to all of my sin. I don’t know if I will be here tomorrow, so I must prepare myself.

I really want to ask help, but I am ashamed of myself for asking help. I don’t know why. I always think that they already helped me so I must stop asking help when it comes to finances. I wish there will be something that will appear on my hand. One day, I wish there will be some friends that will visit me, become aware of my situation and come back one day with financial help. I wish that those who promised me to support for my medicine bills have spare money on the coming month and share it to me or allow me to loan it, even with percent. On how I can pay back in return, I don’t have any idea. All I know is that I need money for my medicine bills. Every negativity I have right now evolved on this medicine that is why I feel down.

I need miracle. I am in between “hoping I continue to live to just die situation” and I feel useless. Please pray for me to be strong, to keep fighting, to make this one heal even without medicine, to make the impossible possible….I need any help you can give…..

I hope not to feel any regret sharing this….

Please pray for me…

 

 

Image credit to https://pixabay.com/en/dead-end-sign-cul-de-sac-hopeless-1529593/

 

 

I Miss You Blogjob!

I miss you. I went to the hospital earlier. I was blogging on my phone and then I cried. I was blogging because I thought I will able to post it on it, but then I realized it suspends the rewards. I really and literally shook my head from doing that. I never thought this one will happen to me.

I am sad, I want to blog this but I choose to have it in here so that everyone online will able to see. You had helped me a lot of times from my medicine. If you are up, I should not be asking everyone to donate me their points, their gold points, I don’t have to have an account at some crowdfunding sites to ask for people to please donate money. I don’t have to ask for help to other people to accompany me to go to Philippine charity sweepstakes office to ask for money. I will be needing that money next week for surgery. I have liver laceration and internal bleeding because of the laceration. I will be losing blood if the laceration will not be fix, so I need the surgery.

I am not blaming this site. I am just here because I miss it and everything that we do here. I know Sheridan and company are doing their best about the site, that is why we need not to give up. Even we have not heard anything from you guys, any updates whatsoever, we are still hoping the site will come back. We love the site, I miss the site and I miss the earnings too. I know if it will come back, things will change, but I just pray that it will come back once again.

This site had helped me with life. I have a lot of rants in my blog. If this site was not around during that time, I do not have any idea how to survived it. I had a lot of problems and the site is my online site that I could turn too, that I know there are lots of people will able to understand me because they were facing the same problem before or maybe at present. I meet a lot of wonderful individual, i put lots of my best friends in here, I met wonderful individual, I met the smartest one, the most helpful, the friendly, the goofy, this become my everything.

I understand what happened. I accepted it. I will also accept whatever decision the owner want on the site, but it will not change what I know about it. This site became a friend, a savior, a second home, a critique, a learning path and experience path as well. It became my guidance with life, it helps me to accept decision, change decision, it makes me strong, it makes me know more about myself. It is truly part of my whole life right now and so as you I know.

Sorry for this long post. I just went to the hospital and got to received a bad news, please pray for me and then I missed it. I really miss it. I missed Sheridan’s kindness, him for always being helpful and approachable. I give all my respect to the site, even to the last days of my life… no I am not dying. I will survive this, I will fight for my life and you will help me with your prayers.

I love this site so much and Sheridan as well. Just want to say this now. I don’t have any one to talk too, so I am writing…. see you back, I hope it is SOON….

Please pray for me!!! Thank you!!

Karma on the Way…

What Goes Around, Comes Around. To be honest, I don’t understand that. I only understand that do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you. A friend says they have the same meaning. How about, Karma on the way? I guess they have the same meaning too.

If you do good, you will receive a good karma. If you do bad, then bad karma is on the way. Personally, I know people who are doing bad with people, but I don’t see if they are suffering from bad karma. Either they know how to handle their problems or they really did not do any bad things to other people, they are only misunderstood.

What is real with people, they are the only one that knows the truth.

I do not want to waste my time wondering when and where the karma arrives with some people because I had seen people who are suffering from bad karma because of what they had done to other people. Even it sounds bad, I am happy for their sufferings. They deserve it. Some happen quickly, some happen without your awareness, only the people who are suffering it knows the truth. Denying could help them, but I don’t care. Those who are doing bad to other people deserves bad karma.

How about good karma? What should we consider one? I know we have a different perception of good karma. Some people might think having a peaceful life is a good karma. Some think having a lot of money or having sufficient funds to make up to their needs is a good karma indeed.

What if something bad happened to you, do you think you deserve it because you had done something wrong in the past days or it is because everything happens for a reason? What is your take on this? Would you accept that?

I guess it will all boil down to different perception with Karma, isn’t it?

 

Photo from Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/en/buddha-whee-karma-walking-gold-993855/

If they make you feel your Useless…

I will not consider this post as a rant because I will not rant. I will just say how I feel and it does not include any violent reaction. I already get used to feeling useless. It becomes normal to me now. Whatever happening at present is a result of a wrong decision. Maybe I prioritized something that I thought will able to help a lot of people but I was wrong. Sometimes by helping the people around you will be the cause of your lost. You lose your life in the process of wrong decision. Unfortunately, those people you gave all the benefits fail to give something in return. That is why I learned the hard way of never rely on people immediately. I need to ask myself if I able to solve a problem on my own first and if there is no way I can solve it, then I need the people I can count on.

It hurts that the people you gave all your effort, to make their lives to be easy, to help solve their problems are the people making you feel you are useless at present. Instead of helping you with some words of wisdom, support and advises, they fail to do it and they are busy with their own lives because they cannot get anything from me anymore. Maybe “friend’s with benefits” or more than that. I learning on my own now and I want to be alone this time. If I choose to be quiet it is because I want to feel how they make me feel these past years. Maybe some of them don’t mean it, but I trust my instinct more, I know how I feel. I know what is true, I can feel it by their actions towards me. I will not waste my time thinking about them and this will be the last time that I will be having a good effort of talking about them.

 

Photo from Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/en/depression-voices-self-criticism-1250897/

What if your Parents are Not Proud of You?

Are there parents who are not proud of their children? I guess the answer is yes and I find it ridiculous. Part of being a parent is having unconditional love. Even if people turn down your child, parents are the first people who lift them up and every parent should know this, every parent are doing this. Even if your child is the ugliest as bashers say, you will be the one that proves them wrong, not join them in bashing your child.

I learned this story about someone. It was just a story that I overheard. I find it very serious disheartening if that is true, but I have this feeling that it is true as the person who was sharing the story could not believe that there are parents, parents means father and mother, are not proud of their child. Imagine, this child’s genes came from the parents. The child did not decide if he or she wants to be born. The child was born because the parents produced it. How could the parents failed to make a child be comfortable with himself/herself when it is their job to make their child be the most special child in the world.

From what I heard, this young child, not sure if girl or boy have been bullied at school for being lame. The child told his or her parents what happened. The parents don’t mind it until the time that they were called to the Principal’s office as their child pushed someone in the stairs. He or she was under detention. Of course, the child’s parents apologize to the parent’s of the other child, and to the child too. Then they even added that they feel sorry for their child as he or she is useless for being lame and weak. They really hate their child because of that and they wished they had someone better than him or her. The lady that was sharing the story was the advisor of that child and she was shocked. She talked to the parents of that child and advised them to be supportive of their child but they seem not to listen because they do know what to do with their child as it is their child.

I don’t want to make this long. If you will ask meif they can describe how lame and weak their child is, aren’t they describing themselves as that child came from them?

 

Photo from Pixabay

 

Pet Peeves: Being Nervous

The History of my Nervousness?

I hate being nervous ever since I was aware that it is happening to me. As far as I remember, when I was young, I was not like this. I know I get nervous but only when my parents were fighting at home. The shouts and physical fights make me nervous because two people you love have a big misunderstanding. I also don’t know what happens next. I hate the feeling of not able to breathe comfortably, the body shaking, feeling weak, feeling uncertain, feeling scared because of uncertainties and of course, I am upset. Once I get upset, it sets my body to feel nervous.

The reason for my Nervousness

There are lots of reason to share to you why I get nervous but these are just a few of it.

  1. I get nervous when I don’t know what to do. Some people worry when they don’t know what to do, yet when it is about me, I get nervous. I get nervous before I get to worry. I worry and then the feeling of nervousness doubled.
  2. I get nervous about uncertainties. For example, I received a missed call from someone I know, I get nervous. I do not get curious, I get nervous instantly. I am thinking what reason for a person to call me when they can text me anytime. Every time I received a missed call, it leaves me the impression that it is an urgent matter and someone wants to talk to me immediately.
  3. I get nervous when I did something wrong and I didn’t mean it. Some people will feel upset when they made a mistake, me, I will feel nervous. I worry what other people will say about me and what I did. I feel nervous if that person will able to forgive me or give me a chance for something.
  4. I get nervous with loud voices and loud sound, even if it sounds happy. Again, people might get curious first, but I am shaking of nervousness once I overheard it. Mostly in my neighborhood, there are people talking to each other that they sound like having a misunderstanding already but when you listen carefully, they are just regularly talking.

Pet Peeves: Nervousness

Because of everything is written above, I treat nervousness as one of the things that are making me annoyed and irritating. This is something that is not helping me as a person and I wish to know something that will able to help me to work it out.

 

Photo from Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/en/angst-anxiety-anguish-apprehension-802639/

Best Day of My Life

One of my favorite songs at this moment is the song Best Day of my life by American Authors. I will be sharing the video below this post so that you will have an idea. I love the song for obvious reason, it is a happy song and for sure everyone will be singing this song whenever they found the best day of their life. Have you find the best day of your life?

I want to take note that one of the best days of my life was when I graduated in College. 4 years ago, before I graduated, I was wondering if I will able to enter a university and able to finish a degree. I do not plan to be in a private university, I just want to study in college and get a diploma, then to get a decent job. I dream to be working hard and earning money so that I could provide for the family.

When I able to graduate from High school, I already have good news to my parents. I have a scholarship and the problem was to have a university to study. Fast forward after 4 years, I woke up preparing for my graduation. I was very excited. I did not cry during the receiving of diploma because it was awkward. My choir mates were all cheering for me and I failed to have my moments. I raise my diploma to my mother and she was in tears. My younger brother was clapping and shouting my name. When I checked on them again, I saw them hugging each other. They were the only ones that attended my graduation ceremony however, even though they were only a few, it means so much to be able to share the best moments of your life with your family.

Fast forward at present, this is the best moment of my life. Soon, it will change to another better story to the best story. It is lovely to relieve the best day of our life.

Photo from Pixabay

https://pixabay.com/en/girl-hat-happy-laughing-face-cute-204327/