Today was yet another lesson to be learned by way of mistake.
This morning Sean was helping me make my bed. In fact, I asked him to do it while I went out to try to get the munchkins to send back our gazebo which was spiraling dangerously close to the precipice of Oz. I came back in and while the bed was made, it was done messily so – definitely not up to Mom standards, so we redid it again together. He was a little frustrated with me since in his mind he had done a beautiful and wonderful thing and I basically pooped all over it.
I hopped in the shower and my mind started to wander in the general direction of our changed healthcare plan and how I’d have to find a new doctor, how that doctor would be like every other doctor I’ve ever had and would tell me all the things that are wrong with me. It also got me thinking about my own personal feelings of being berated as a child and how that affected me as an adult. There are people who love themselves, see most criticism as constructive, and don’t mind being told that they’re a bit on the chunky side and have to eat boiled chicken for the next 6 months. I rarely go to the doctor for myself, even if there’s something wrong, because all I can hear is the disappointment (perceived, as they’re doctors and they see better and worse than me every day) about how I did this wrong and that wrong and am too fat for the regular blood pressure cuff. No one likes being told that they’re doing everything poorly, much less to pay a co-pay for it.
Here’s the thing though. I KNOW in my head that they’re there to help me usually, but I just can’t get over that feeling that I’d rather subject myself to paper cuts and Bactine than feel like I’ve let down everyone including a doctor I see once a year (if they’re lucky). I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m too ______ to do this or that (fill in the blank with the guilty adjective of your choice, I probably feel it) and I’m paralyzed sometimes.
But I don’t want my kids to grow up that way. In cases like this, in instances like this, I don’t want them to feel the way I do, I want them to not miss out on life, health, and happiness because they didn’t feel like they had done something perfectly. I want them to know that all they have to bring with them is an open mind and a positive attitude and the want to learn, love, laugh..TRY.
So I called Sean back in and told him that I really appreciated him for his help and he cheered right up.