Today I looked at some apartments in the town I’m moving to later this year. If all goes well, I hope to move no later than the end of August! I really wanted a 1 bedroom place but if my friend agrees to get a 2 bedroom with me, we’ll both save money. We both want to move out of our parents’ house, but we’re also not rolling in dough. A 2 bedroom place will be cheaper in the long run. I really want everything to work out, and I know that if I stay motivated and on track with saving money, I’ll accomplish this goal!
I think I should try to do a spending fast. I know a lot of people do them for 30 days/ a month, but I need to start small. Maybe I’ll start out doing a 1 week Spending Fast. Right now I get paid every week so I can pay my main bills, put aside money into my savings account, then only spend on necessities for the week – which would be car fuel. I sometimes spend money on food, so if I absolutely -have- to spend money I’ll try to make healthier food choices.
I see my boyfriend every week, at least twice a week, so it might be hard at first not to spend money since we usually go to the movies or grab a meal. I’ll try to suggest we go to parks, or walk around the mall and window shop. We’ve done that plenty of times before so it might not be too difficult.
It’s a huge goal of mine to move out this year so I really need to save money!!
I woke up this morning thinking, hm, let’s check the weather and road conditions today… five minutes later, “Yep, not gonna risk my life to go to work today!” Plus it normally takes me about 40 minutes to get to work in regular conditions, and no way I’m going to use half a tank of gas and 2 hours to get to the office. After I called in my coworker said the whole call center had been closed anyways, so I guess I don’t have to be anxious about getting frowned upon for calling in. Calling in to work, even when I’m legitimately sick, gives me so much anxiety. Now I’m trying to stay calm, warm and safe.
I baked chocolate chip cookies and had a bagel and coffee earlier, and now I’m just watching Netflix. I might try to clean my room a bit later, if I can get the motivation. I’m also looking up some ways to make some extra money.
I’m so bad at saving but I know I need to GET IT TOGETHER. I’m 23 years old and I don’t have a real savings account! I feel a bit ashamed but I know I can start now. I also have a goal of moving out this year and my parents want to make sure I’m financially secure, so I have to prove it not only to them, but to MYSELF that I can save. Although I wish I had been better at managing my money, I know that all I can do now is move forward and start saving now.
I have a problem…
I am addicted to Netflix!
Specifically, I am addicted to Friends. I grew up “watching” the show with my parents, but of course I didn’t truly relate to any of the characters and their storylines. Now that I am in my 20’s, I absolutely adore that show. Sometimes I relate so much and some episodes made me cry shamelessly. I think my favorite character is Phoebe – I love that she is funny, sweet, assertive, she’s just…Phoebe!
Before this show it was Gilmore Girls. Once I’m done with Friends I don’t know what I’ll watch…but ugh, I don’t want Friends to end! I’m already dreading the final episode.
Some people hate Netflix with a passion, but for me, it’s a great deal. I didn’t watch a lot of TV shows before so now that they’re on Netflix I can binge watch them. There’s also a lot of movies. I’m not the type of person who only likes to watch the newest, latest films, so Netflix has a huge selection for me.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, or even logged in here. Since September of last year I’ve gone to South Korea and the Philippines, met new friends, and started a new job. I’m a lot happier at my new job – a bit anxious because the position is temp-to-permanent, but I’m hoping I last here and become a permanent employee. This is my first time going through an employment agency; everything happened so fast – I had my “interview” with the agency, got a call from their client, then got offered a position a few days later. I’m basically a customer service agent/telephone banker. It was difficult and overwhelming at first, but it’s becoming a little easier every day and I’ve learned a lot about the world of banking the past few weeks.
I’ve also started going to counseling. Today’s appointment will actually be my second. The counselor is very calm and nice; she was recommended to me by a doctor I started seeing again, the chiropractor. I was very nervous for the first appointment because I wasn’t sure what to expect, I had such a naive view of what counseling is like, however I’m optimistic now because I know this is a big step in helping me with my insecurities.
I’m also hoping to move into an apartment this year. I’ve already told my parents, surprisingly they didn’t have a big lecture for me this time. They were mostly just concerned about how I will manage my finances. Well, I know I need to be better at save money. That’s a huge goal for me this year as well. Become better with managing finances + MOVE OUT.
Going to keep this short and end it here but I’m going to try to post here more often. I missed blogging and writing.
I’m so glad it’s finally Friday. Maybe tomorrow I can actually catch up on some sleep. I’m trying to balance school and work and still have some semblance of a social life. Lately the only person I’ve been really hanging out with is my boyfriend, which is OK most of the time since he’s my best friend anyways. I would still love to hang out with some other people though. I’m taking a friend’s maternity photos next weekend so there’s that, at least.
I’m enjoying work. It’s laid back, and everyone does their own work for the most part while socializing with each other. I got a lot done this week, and it was only my first week. I’m actually excited for busy tax season to start – that’s when we’ll be getting inbound calls and time will go by a lot faster.
I think my history textbook is finally arriving in the mail today at least! I’m already behind in class even though we don’t really discuss the material, but we have our midterm already coming up in a few weeks so I need to read, read, read and take notes.
I am soooooo tired but actually feeling calm today. It’s nice having a laptop again. For the most part I’ve stopped being “sad” about my stolen one. No point crying over that anymore, honestly. Also the passport and birth certificate stuff have been taken care of, as far as I know, so I don’t have to stress about that so much right now.
I would love to take a nap, maybe.
A few days ago my laptop was stolen from the bathroom where I currently attend community college. This was such an emotional blow for me because a) I paid for that laptop, b) It was my fault for not thinking and leaving it on the sink counter while I cried in the stall, c) I was already feeling pretty crappy and was straight up crying, and d)… IT WAS MY FAULT. My dad and I will be looking at cheaper laptops this weekend because I have to have a laptop for school and work and my freelance work, but it will definitely not be another Macbook Pro. My materialistic side got quite attached to that thing. At first I was freaking out about all the personal stuff I had on there, but fortunately I had set up Find My Mac/iCloud just a month ago and once the computer goes online, wherever it is, it will lock and erase everything on there. -sigh- I will miss that thing though.
Normally I would probably still be asleep right now, since I don’t start my new job till next week, but I had to wake up pretty early to run around campus and get the signatures of the dean and the professor whose class I was trying to transfer into. The whole process has taken a couple of days, and I’m so relieved to finally get it done and over with. I’m glad I didn’t have work this week otherwise I wouldn’t have had time to get this done at all.
Now I’m just using the computer here in the school library for a little bit. Going to go to Target soon to pick up some basic groceries, then going to get a long overdue car oil change. Afterwards, maybe I’ll grab some lunch, hang out at the campus library again (our school has a few locations) to take advantage of the computers more, then might help someone with an art project. I’m pretty tired so I’m trying to have some coffee now as well.
My stomach’s a bit queasy from all the stress from the past few days… actually the past few weeks have been quite chaotic. But all I can do is keep my head up, try to stay positive, go with the flow of life and what it throws at me. I’ll try to write more PP posts later, just got my account approved and want to explore the site a bit.
Hope you all are having a good morning, evening, or afternoon, wherever you are ♡
I don’t understand why my boyfriend won’t get help for his mental health. Cost is not even a factor. Doesn’t he see how it’s not only affecting him but the people closest to him – his family, the few friends he has left, me? Earlier today he was fine, then during his art class he started panicking about something and was texting me how he wants to jump out a window… I was asking, almost begging him, to please calm down, step away from the drawing desk if you’re that anxious, leave class early if you need to calm down… please don’t jump out a window… then he said, “I need you.” I told him I would be at the campus today, taking care of some school stuff. Then he said, “So I need you? I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody.” That made me sad but also made my blood boil. I won’t tolerate for this shit anymore. I’ve already gone through one long-term relationship where depression consumed both partners. I wish he would see how getting help would be an option, especially when our relationship had improved since I started getting help. I love him so much but sometimes there comes a point where it’s not worth it to continue. I can’t carry another person’s entire burden when he doesn’t want to do anything to help himself. I can’t be the only, dominant source of his happiness. Anyways, he told me he doesn’t need me so… I had told him a long time ago the next time he told me something like this, I would not give it a second thought. So I texted back: “You don’t need me, so goodbye. Have fun pushing away anyone else who actually gives a fuck about you.”
You might see me as a bitch, a cold-hearted person now, but please try to understand that I know what depression and anxiety is like and how it can distort thoughts, words, feelings… but I also know that if you don’t make an effort to try to help yourself, or act like you are aware, it can really damage your partner mentally…
I can be enjoying a beautiful morning full of positive vibes, then my mother’s and my personality start clashing and the day’s optimism can come to a screeching halt.
Just a few minutes ago I was focusing on various tasks – emailing my old work office, looking up the classes to swap… then my mom started saying something about the passport issue again. Sometimes when she speaks I can immediately feel my blood pressure rising. I already know the situation is stressful, but I am finding ways to calmly deal with it, she doesn’t have to keep nagging. She gets more upset when I react in the ways that I do but obviously if I am trying to take care of something then I will be focusing on it. I don’t react verbally as much as the rest of the family, so I suspect that they think because I am so quiet that I am not doing anything. It is so frustrating! Right now I’m trying to stay calm and sip on my coffee and not let it get to me but ugh, my heart is beating so fast and I’m sure I still have an annoyed facial expression. I’m probably going to try to go for a walk later to walk out some of these angry feelings.
There’s a saying that blood is thicker than water but more often that not, I have felt more love and support from people I’ve become close to throughout my life. Call me rude names, but I just feel extremely detached from the people I am related to by blood, and I feel more and more detached as the time passes by. It was so easy to leave home the first time, and the idea is starting to sound a lot easier these days.
Yesterday I spent most of the day at his house, helping him with an art project for his 2D Design class. I love art so I was actually very excited, and it turned out to be a lot of fun! He had to design several 4×4 tiles on card stock paper for different elements, like Push, Weight, Tension, etc. It was a LOT of cutting and since we used scissors it was a bit harder – he had bought an Xacto knife but we wanted to try to get as much done without opening it since he might be able to get a refund for it. Each tile we did took about an hour or so, and we got 5 tiles done. Quite a lot, actually, considering that we kept getting distracted by funny videos on Youtube, haha. We also got milkshakes for dessert and tested out my camera by taking pictures and videos of his cat. It was a nice day to spend Labor Day; I felt so happy and carefree yesterday. Simple days like that are really fun for me.
Today I will be running some errands – the main things are to look for my passport, which I am not looking forward to. My room is so messy and I have so many papers; I’m thinking that I will most likely have to end up ordering a new passport, which I already know my parents are/will be upset about. Sigh. Often I feel like I can’t do anything right here. I’m the oldest and the most pathetic one compared to my sisters – personally I feel like I have done well in following other opportunities, but from an outsider’s perspective… well, I will actually probably write another post/rant for that… Hm, besides looking for my passport I have to go to the school campus and swap my classes. Then I’ll probably hang out in the campus library for a bit and catch up on the class work, and maybe borrow some fiction novels. I miss reading for fun so I’ve been trying to get as many books as I can! 😀