I remember when I was in college I was working in an Internet Cafe by night and I was studying by day (both full time). It’s really hard to juggle my time then. I was a scholar and a consistent Dean’s Lister. I need a job to cover up my school expenses and our expenses at home. My sister was the one who encouraged me to work there. She knows one of the owners and she referred me. I am not familiar with computer even if I am taking up a course of Bachelor of Science major in Computer Science but I took my chances.
I remember my first day in my work and I was asked to assist in the customers and to do this and that, I was really scared that I will committed mistakes. I prayed hard and luckily I was able to perform my job well.
The first night was hard. I cannot keep myself awake for several hours. I keep on drooling and I remember that one of the customers woke me up because he log out. He paid me and I was heaving a sighed of relief that all the customers are honest.
I try to find some ways in keeping myself awake in the next days. I cleaned the shop, I sort all the papers there, I accepted typing and research jobs and I surf the net.
One time, one of our customers called me. She wanted me to translate in English her answers to her chat mate’s questions. She’s using a Yahoo Messenger and I readily helped her. Some of our customers love to chat and they told me that I should try it too. At first I was hesitant because I have read some negative comments about chatting online. Some are really disgusting and just wanted to see your body. Since I have no other things to do I tried it too. I have known a few good friends in chatting and luckily until now we get in touch once in a while. All of these good people are Filipino like me. I may not meet the man of my dreams in chatting but I meet a few people that I could call friends.
Summer is coming and I am planning to move to a new house by then. I am looking for a smaller house so it will be cheaper. I will be shouldering the rent expenses by then because my sister’s children will be moving with her in Cebu. I wanted a house where I could put up a small store. It will be an added income to me. My mother will be the one to attend to the customers while I’m working. I know it will not be easy but I cannot handle all the financial expenses with my salary.
I am planning to loan by March for the deposit and advance payment for the house, the trucking and other stuff. I also need the money for my small variety store. I am hoping that my on hand items will be dispose for additional capital in my business.
I will be missing my two nieces. My sister is encouraging us to live with her in Cebu. She told me that I should start a new life there. There are lots of opportunities for me. I could continue my work as Financial Wealth Planner there and also be a Real Estate Agent too. I could also apply for a job there if I wanted to. I don’t know but my mother wanted to stay here. She was born here and all her relatives are here. I cannot leave here of course so I am sticking with her even if we always argued everyday, even if she was always pestering me and always accuses me of something I didn’t even do.
I have so many things to pack and to sort. I am planning to have a garage sale so I could have additional funds and there will be less clutter for our new home.
I am hoping for the best and I am praying that God will lead me through the right path.
I realized that I have been living in the past few weeks without goals in my life. All my plans had been put aside. I woke up every morning without purpose in life. I am just doing things because I need to do it. I do it without any concern or love. This is not like me. I am always been enthusiastic with everything I do. I am perfectionist. I wanted to do it perfectly.
I don’t know if anyone can relate with me. But have you experienced it? Even once in your life? I could see a pile of paper works in my table, it’s getting higher everyday. I will just browse it. Read it without even understanding it. Put it aside and try to read other things again. My attention is divided. I cannot concentrate. There even come a time when I don’t know what should I say or write next. Or I didn’t know how to put words in my thoughts and feelings, my voice will trailed off and I feel so lost.
It is because I am getting older? Or because I have so much things to think about? Or because I am lonely and depress. People think I’m okay. I am breathing, I am walking, I am moving and I am intermingling with them but I know deep inside me I am not my usual self.
I have deadlines to meet in my full-time work. I need a clients so I will be retain to my insurance company. I need to focus on my on hand items so I could dispose it. I need money to pay my bills. But here I am so lost.
I wanted to ride in a bus. To go to Baguio City. I have never been there before and it’s on my bucket list. I just wanted to roam in the Summer Capital City of the Philippines and go back home refreshed. Maybe I need to do something different now to find myself back again and to live my life like I lived it before.