Hi everyone. I know my post on here that was supposed to be weekly turned into a little over two weeks. I have had a bit of a time adjusting to life as I now know it. The great thing, though, is that I am learning so much about myself, my husband and my children. You see before I always thought that I was giving everything in my life up because of my husband or my children and I know that is what many of my family members believe as well. However, through much soul searching and time to think and I have come up with many facts.
What facts have I come up with?
Soul searching is not easy for me and I am sure it is not easy for many others either. However, if I want to fix the issues in my life and have healthier relationships with myself and others then it must be done. Some of the facts that I have come up with through soul searching include:
- I am in control of the choices that I make.
- The choices that I make are not anyone else’s.
- Even if someone has certain feelings, those feelings do not force me to do things.
- The choices I have made in the past were mine and mine alone.
- I wasn’t social at times because I was afraid of getting too close to others.
- Even though people thought I was happy certain times in my life I probably wasn’t.
- I have never been comfortable with myself until this last couple weeks (not because of my life situation now but because I realize that my past does not determine who I am today).
These are some of the facts that I have come up with during the searching of my soul. As mentioned I have had a lot of time to think lately and I know that I have issues that need to be addressed by me. I have asked others for their support and I am hoping to continue having that support from my mother, my husband and others in my family as well. However, I now know that I can’t rely on others for my happiness because until I am truly happy with myself things aren’t going to change.
What are some of the issues I will be addressing in later posts?
After all of the time that I have had to think I have come up with a list of issues that I have that I would like to work on. Now, before it comes to anyone’s mind, no I am not being too hard on myself. These issues are valid to me and I believe that they are issues in my life that are stopping me from being the person that I want to be. Some of them are not as big of issues as others but I wanted to be clear on all of the issues that I can think of at this time. Some of the issues that I will be addresing in later posts include:
- My lack of commitment to those that I love.
- My fear of not getting things done correctly.
- Guilt tripping others into feeling bad so they can feel as bad as I do half the time (I guilt trip others so they can feel bad and then I stand up after they say they feel bad just to say no that’s not right I am the one to blame). I am not sure why I do this yet but I am getting there.
- My infidelity issues from the past (Yes, family out there I have hurt my husband more than you guys know. I let you guys believe otherwise for so long but the truth is out. It hasn’t been just five years ago or four years ago. There have been more than that and my husband is still supporting me emotionally to this day. What a great man, right? Yes, he has issues that are being worked on as well but they are not the cause of our situation today.
- My fear of the past and all it has done to me.
- My fear that if I let myself be happy then I won’t be comfortable with life because I am so used to things going wrong.
These are the most common issues that I will be addressing in later posts. I actually have more issues than these ones but I wanted to make sure to note these ones first.
I appreciate everyone who reads my posts and I hope that I can touch even just one person by writing down the things that I do. I am opening up a whole new world of emotion that I still am not quite comfortable doing but there it is laid out there for all of you. I hope this post and future posts will help anyone of you with an issue that you may have in your life. Issues do not have to hold us back. We are in control and we can make changes that we see fit for our own life! I have already made changes over the last month and I plan to keep working hard to improve my life even more! A shout out to my husband, Ryan, for still sticking it out and loving me after all I have put you through. A shout out to my mom, for being my phone call lifeline, when I need someone to check in on me or just someone to talk to. Hope you all look forward to my next post.