Borderlands Is Getting A Movie

Avi and Ari Arad are producing a Borderlands movie under the Lionsgate label. The movie will be based on Gearbox Software’s first-person shooter of the same name. The press release for the film is full of fluff and typical PR shillery. Ultimately it just says that a movie is being adapted from the comedic shooter series.

Of course, it feels like the press release is nearly a thousand words full up of back-patting and schlong rubbing, like it’s some sort of Turkish massage parlor.

Take-Two Interactive Chairman and CEO Strauss Zelnick had a bunch of words to share about the project, stating in the press release…

“Our Borderlands franchise continues to grow in popularity, and we’ve assembled a team with the strengths needed to introduce this amazing cross-platform property to a whole new global audience,”

 

“Lionsgate has emerged as a major creative force in the global marketplace with an incredible portfolio of brands; our partners at Gearbox have pioneered and cultivated an iconic property; and Avi and Ari Arad are two of the most successful producers of action franchises. This alliance is ideally positioned to create a bold, provocative, no-holds-barred motion picture phenomenon that will delight Borderlands’ current legions of fans and captivate moviegoers around the world.”

I read that as an obligatory statement of $$$ turned into English words.

If you replace all the syllables with “cha-ching” noises you can almost hear a rhythm to the monetary music being played as Hollywood execs and 2K bigwigs cash in on the franchise before it’s dead and buried at the hands of a former magician’s hubris.

Lionsgate Motion Picture Group co-chairs Rob Friedman and Patrick Wachsberger also waxed poetics about their interest in games, which basically translates to “they make billions of dollars and we want to find a way to tap that a$$”. They stated in the press release…

“Part of our strategy in entering the game space under Peter Levin has been to source new brands with built-in audiences that will translate into great films and television shows. The Borderlands games don’t pull any punches, and we’ll make the movie with the same in-your-face attitude that has made the series a blockbuster mega-franchise.”

The highlights of the games are the comic relief and the “bazillion” gun options. If they’re following in the footsteps of The Pre-Sequel I tend to doubt the majority of people will be comfortable with non-stop gay jokes and homosexual flirtations, and I get the feeling that a movie will dumb down the “bazillion” guns into a handful of wacky sci-fi weapons that will get less screen-time than Michael Fassbender’s penis in the movie Shameless.

Avi and Ari Arad rounded out the ego masturbation orgy with their own little comments, stating…

“We’re thrilled to extend our partnership with Jon Feltheimer, Michael Burns, Rob, Patrick and the amazing team at Lionsgate and join forces with Take-Two and Gearbox on this incredible property,”

 

“Borderlands has a unique story-driven narrative energy and rich multidimensional characters that position it to become a singular motion picture event.”

In other words: prepare for an hour and a half of cringe-worthy jokes most movie goers won’t get and regrettably tame PG-13 violence.

The only question now is if this will be better than Doom: The Movie or worse than Max Payne: The Movie? I honestly can’t decide.





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Billy has been rustling Jimmies for years. The GJP cried and their tears became his milkshake. Contact.

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