Best Friends Forever

Hey, as promised I’m doing my weekly Saturday post (: How have my readers been? This week has been a pretty enjoyable week. I’ve been a little busy doing projects and test but actually I’m not too stressed out. My readers haven’t suggested any topics to write about so I guess I will talk about friendship this week just to give you another backstory so you can understand who I am referring to in previous post. I’ve always been the type of person who would accept anyone as her friend. Gay, fat, skinny, ugly, or drug dealers. I, like Anne Frank, believe that everyone wants to be good and underneath it all has a good side with good intentions. Sometimes people get hurt even under good intentions it happens. That’s why I’m so quick to forgive people and why I tolerate pretty much anyone who can be a good friend to me. I have had a lot of friends who just walked in and out of my life and used me and blah blah blah but today I’ll be talking about my best friends. The ones who I gave my all to. My first best friend name is Terenity. We were best friends since about 3rd grade. In elementary school she was extremely mean, she would talk about people and make fun of people including me. I still remained her friend because she told me she only did all that stuff because she was insecure. She would also tell anything that I shared with her, so if I liked a guy she would tell him and laugh when he didn’t like me. For that reason there was already a strain in our relationship because I never could trust her fully. In middle school is when we really started to crash. She met this new girl who was honestly a rat. We were all friends for a while. Terenity’s friend who was a rat started calling me a “fat,ugly bitch” randomly so I had beef with her and it affected my friendship with Terenity. I started my period one day at school and my parents never told me about it so I really didn’t know what it was. Terenity stood near me that day and she smelt me and then she went around and told everyone how I smelt like fish. When I got home that day I started cussing her out on Facebook (I didn’t tell her that I heard her talking about how I stunk) I just started calling her an insecure bitch. She started talking about how i was ugly,stank and always wore raggy off-brand clothes. All the stuff she said seriously still affect me to this day. I’m paranoid about everything. It took me years to feel comfortable in something other than hoodies because I thought people were judging how fat I was. I stopped eat sometimes because I felt bad about myself and then just binge ate as much as I could, never feeling full and refusing to stop eating until my throat closed up both of which I still do today because of her. Back to the story the next day she told the counselor she had the nerves to tell the counselor what I posted about her on Facebook and was weeping. She acted like she was the one hurt when the whole friendship I had with her I had to endure her hurt because she was insecure and had to use me as her rag doll to release her frustrations. Seriously it hurts when your best friend says you won’t ever get your crush because your ugly and how you will never be as good as her because your fat. After that we weren’t really friends as close, I mean we said “hi” (and still do sometimes) whenever we run into each other but it hasn’t ever been the same. Now, she is different she is actually fairly nice now but it’s too much hurt there for me to ever be her friend again. The next friendship I had was with a girl  named Brie. She was actually Treneity’s married in cousin. Our close friendship began in middle school shortly after I ended the friendship with Treneity. Things went well 6 and 7th grade we were close and had no problems. In 8th grade started going down hill. She started acting super annoyed whenever I talked about my crush at the time (Zane, Gale). She was also annoyed when I asked to take a picture with her.Then sometimes she would be upset and I would ask her why and she never told me yet she told this other girl who they barley talked. We had been best friends for 2 years supposedly and i never had been over to her house and she had never been over my house. Even though all  those signs were weird and kind of showed signs of our miscommunication in our friendship,I ignored it because she never really wanted to talk about it and I was still was her friend though throughout the year. She got a new boyfriend at the end of the year and basically started to ignore me whenever she was with him. Again, I continued being her friend though because some people get that way. Now, my first year of high school is when everything crashed. I introduced her to one of my old friends and basically they clicked.  She had become closer to her then our friendship all these years. They literally just met and they went out all together and spent the night (let me remind you I never went over her house before) and of course she pretended to invite me (though she never wanted me to come). What’s the shittiest part of it all is how I didn’t even know that the friendship was withering away and that I was being replaced until one day the teacher said you could work with a partner and i had a lot of friends in the class but of course i naturally turned to her and make “eye contact” and smile like we normally do when it’s obvious when were partners. But when I turned to her, Brie and that friend I introduced her to arms were locked.  I then noticed from then on how all that time I was excluded from being able to read her texts/stories, how she acted super annoyed about everything i talked about, and how she was actually making me feel worse by discouraging me from dating Willy to treating me like i was a second hand friend. I ended the friendship with her randomly after the huge argument with Willy. After that I felt like nothing was left in friendship because talking to her made me feel like i wasn’t a good enough friend so I had to let it go. We ended up making up eventually but again it was never the same after that. To make it worse literally like a month after I stopped talking to her and Willy she ended up becoming close friends with him even after talking all that shit about him. Shortly after they started dating. Of course I was upset about that, eventually I got over it and me and Brie started talking casually again.  We say hi whenever we see each other and I try to make small talk. Earlier this year I’ve tried to mend the friendship but all attempts failed because she is still really distance like she was when there was problems. Honestly letting go of the friendship with Brie has been the hardest one to let go because even to this day I’m hurt by the fact we aren’t friends still. Even though the last year of our friendship was a bit distant, we had some really good memories and I legitimately thought I found my best friend for life after having so many backstabbing and disloyal friends. After her there hasn’t really been any friends I’ve been interested in. I literally only have one friend named Lynn and I would for the most part consider her my best friend. I’ve known her since 8th grade but I don’t feel that connection I have with all my other best friends. She reminds me of just a friend, though she never did anything wrong or to hurt me like any other friends I’ve had. She has never asked me over her house or even to go out anywhere really. To be fair though she says her parents are always making her babysit so she doesn’t really have that option, even in the summer.If you’re wondering I am not allowed to invite friends to my house which they all know so that’s why I don’t invite anyone to my house. After the end of the friendship with Brie and I got upset that Brie start messing around with Willy, anytime I tried to talk about my feelings she dismayed it because she was friends with Brie. I wasn’t talking shit about Brie, I basically just said how pissed I was yet she still acted annoyed because she was friends with Brie. This kind of makes me doubt our friendships at times because she, like Brie, acts annoyed when I bring up certain things that make me emotional. I’m not saying she has to agree, but I always listen out my friend no matter how long it takes for them to grieve and at the very  least I expect them to do the same. To this day Lynn is still my best friend and even though she has never done anything wrong really, I still have doubts though. What do you think, do you think I’m just paranoid? Also, it’s really hard for me to make friends now. Before I was optimistic and thought I was a good friend and would eventually find someone to be my good friend. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m the problem. Maybe I’m just too boring and ugly. Honestly,  those are just the few people I called my best friends. So many people have left and just used me so I know nobody actually wants to be friends with me but rather just want to use me because I’m too uninteresting. I don’t know, I’ll talk about it another time because this is quickly getting emotionally exhausting.

 

***Tell me about any crappy friendships you have had below and how you dealt with it, also thanks for reading (: suggest some topics so I actually have topics to write about other than my lame problems lol. ***

Young Love

Okay, it has been about 3 weeks since my last post so it is obvious that I am going to need to start choosing a set day to start writing on my blog or I’ll just end up procrastinating or putting it off. So, from here on out I will be posting at least once a week on Saturday. Don’t be surprised if you see more random post during the week though because I will post whenever I get the chance but you can always count on me posting on Saturday.  I’ve been so busy in class, it’s honestly so stressful but I promise to post  every Saturday. Feel free to comment on topics you want me to talk about either my opinion about or my personal experience with the topic. So today I guess I’ll talk about love. Ever since I was a kid I looked for it in anybody that I could. I guess I’ll start talking about my previous crushes. My first crush was in middle school with a guy named Zane. We started off as friends (we were both pretty flirty) but the teacher ending up moving us because we talked too much. Anyways, after that we really had no place to talk. One time he tried waving at me but I didn’t know if he was waving at me or someone else so I just stared until he turned red and then I finally waved back. After that things with us went downhill. I apologized but he still didn’t really seem like he wanted to talk to me. I liked him for about 2 years and all in that time I was just chasing after him in really desperate acts. I sent him candy grams, poems, etc. and I have to give it to him, even though someone has told me that he was talking shit about it (which I don’t find what people say to be very reliable), he could’ve been a whole lot meaner because I did really desperate acts to get his attention (even while he had a girlfriend), he never really cussed me out…well, until our last conversation before I finally just accepted the fact that he would never like me. I was arguing with him and was insulting him and his girlfriend and he started calling me names back. Honestly, looking back I feel like I deserved it but the conversation ended with me being really upset and I told him that I hated myself and would never find love again if he didn’t love me and all that dramatic teenage crap. He responded by saying there are people that love you, don’t give up if I don’t love you because someone will. Honestly, that last conversation is one I needed to hear. After that and some time of healing, I was able to get over him which at the time I thought would never happen. The next guy that I liked is a guy named Gale on and off when I wasn’t thinking about Zane.  I’m pretty sure he knew I liked him but I don’t think my friends told him I liked him. I met him or noticed him in my math class (and also art class). I noticed the way his blue eyes glimmer like fresh snow against the cold winter light. I noticed the way he smiled, slowly and gracefully. He had one of those smiles that just automatically made me smile back.His hair was hot chocolate, a toasty brown. His hair like Arby’s curly fries, spiraling and springing about. He’d always see me staring at him and when he caught me I’d just smile (: Eventually, we started talking in our math and art classes. He has honestly been one of my most confusing crushes… I couldn’t tell if he liked me or not or even if we were friends sometimes. We’d be cool sometime just talking having a good time. He was easily jealous. Once when I received a bunch of roses for valentines day from my friends and you could just tell from his face he was upset (he even turned a little red) and afterwards he asked me who I got those from. I said just my friend. It was obvious he was jealous, otherwise he wouldn’t care. Another time that he showed jealously to me is when he always asked why I “like so many people” for the record I liked him but was still trying to get over Zane, which he knew my history with Zane because he and Zane were friends. But still, if he had no feelings whatsoever why the fuck would he care if I liked everybody? But then sometimes he just was an asshole he’d call me a stalker (which is not true…maybe a little Facebook browsing but he didn’t even have a Facebook so…) And once out of the blue he said I looked like a sloth (to my face). In addition to that someone asked if he’d ever date me and he whispered into their ear (I have great hearing) “hell no”. Honestly, I was crushed my feelings were so hurt … But then he would jokingly act like a jerk.what I mean by that is once he said he was mad. He divided the table between me and him and said I couldn’t talk to him or go on his side yet he could talk to me and go on my side. I thought it was kind of stupid but whatever at the time I liked him. To be honest, if he was still around today I’d probably still like him, when he wasn’t being an asshole he was all around great. The next and last guy that I really liked was a guy named Willy. Willy was my friend’s boyfriend. We quickly developed a friendship. Honestly, I have always been just as desperate for a best friend as I have been for a boyfriend which I will talk more about in later posts. He is super ugly and boring but he listened to me so I liked him. It’s really pitiful when you fall for someone just because nobody else will give you the time of day. One night I told him basically my whole life. I told him about how, at the time, I wanted to hurt myself (DON’T WORRY I’M HEALTHY NOW) and basically my whole life story . He kind of blew it off and said people have it was worse. If you know me then you know this is the worst thing ever you can say to me because honestly yes, someone has it worst but knowing someone else has pain doesn’t make me feel better? If anything it makes me feel weak that I feel like I cannot handle it and they can….so if you’re trying to be nice, don’t say it because i find it rather insulting. Later on in our “friendship” he said he didn’t believe nothing I said previous which honestly hurt. I NEVER told anyone about any of the shit because I’ve always been afraid someone wouldn’t care or believe me and that’s exactly how he treated it. I still hung around him though because like I said, I just wanted someone to listen even if it meant a negative reaction. Months went by and he got tired of listening to me whine and cry and just all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me. I kept texting him not getting the hint he wanted to be bothered. I even bough him a Christmas present and he was talking a whole bunch of shit of how he was going to get me one. Then he takes the Christmas presents I gave him and gives it to the guidance counselor. He tells the guidance counselor “there’s something wrong with her. I don’t want it…” and a bunch of other shit. He got me in a whole lot of trouble with my parents and the whole situation was embarrassing. When I confronted him about he said he didn’t say it and that I was just lying. Also, he started going around and telling everyone that I was crazy and started telling people my secrets. When I confronted him he again tried to turn it back on me. He eventually did a half ass apology but then a couple days later he was doing the EXACT same thing. At the time when all these events were going (since about 8th grade) I was going through an extremely bad part of my life. On top of that I really trusted him and after he basically treated my feelings as if I was over exaggerated and dismissed them, I felt alone and like nobody cared. In 8th grade (before I even met him) I had started self harming. I also was obsessed with looking at depressing things on Instagram. It got to the point i didn’t even do my homework just look up depressing quotes and music that I related to until my mind was just overtaken by it all. If you know me today you know that (now) I have extreme anxiety about me dying. However, at that time I thought I really wanted to die. I fantasized of how I would kill myself. I came up with double methods so that if the first method didn’t work, the second method would definitely work. I posted something on Facebook hinting that I was going to hurt myself. Another guy ,who I actually seriously thank because my intentions were to kill myself within a week, tried to get in touch with me but I ignored him because i didn’t want someone to talk me out of it. He ended up reporting the post to my guidance office who sent me to a hospital for children with depression and bipolar disorder. It was all around a terrible experience and for a while it was worse because I was so embarrassed my family found out about it and of course they were stressed out which lead to more arguments. They diagnosed me with depression though I don’t think I ever had depression. I immediately stop taking my medication and though things were rough for me, I eventually got through it all without friends, family or medication. I don’t suffer from suicidal thoughts much anymore but still a little sadness, but not as much and I think it’s a normal amount.  After that  experience I stopped talking to him, he tried talking to me but honestly I don’t need that kind of stuff in my life so I just ignored him. What I learnt from him is to never trust a guy and that all I have and need is myself. I’m glad I learned this because I’m a much stronger independent person. Sometimes I do look for that protection from someone (which you may learn more about later) but overall I really don’t depend on people too much.

Thank you for reading (: Leave a comment below telling me about your first loves or crushes.

Time Management

Sorry, I haven’t posted in almost a week. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to post everyday but I was hoping that I would be able to post at least a couple times this week. I’ve been very busy with the new semester starting. I am taking this new math class. It’s pretty interesting right now but it is SUPER fast paced in my opinion and it’s very stressful. Let me remind you that the Semester started last Monday.I took two quizzes last Friday, there’s another one this Tuesday and I probably can expect another test the upcoming Thursday. I feel like all math classes and maybe even all core classes should be a full year so that things aren’t so rushed and so that i can have time to embrace the ideas. I have so much homework, I spend all day doing it and I don’t really focus deeply on how I’m solving the problem but rather just if I got it right so I can quickly move on plus I have other responsibilities to do so working on just math all day long for the whole semester isn’t going to work for me. Does anyone know how I can manage my time better? I don’t really multi-task (I can’t focus doing two things at once) so that isn’t the problem if your wondering. I think I’m just a slow thinker or at the very least, slow at arithmetic . Which in my opinion is actually a good thing because you are more likely to catch errors. Does anyone have any advice? Speaking of the new semester, at lunch I didn’t want to ask my friends (because I feel like I annoy them) to sit next to them so I just sat alone. I mean, there’s other people at the table I sit at but I don’t talk to them because they’re all pretty quiet. I was thinking about talking to them and confidence really isn’t the issue, I just don’t know what to talk about. Do you have any suggestions? Please, don’t say anything dealing with small talk (like the weather) because I really hate small talk it’s boring and a waste of time (to me), I like bold and thought provoking conversations. The problem is I don’t want to come off too bold and thought provoking that it’s weird like, “Hey, what is the meaning of life?” would be weird to say to a stranger. The last thing I wanted to talk to you about/give an update about is my social life. Right now it is suffering because I’m so busy with school and volunteer work and just other stuff… My friend told me last Wednesday that her birthday was coming up Thursday of that week. Then comes Thursday and of course I see her and she never mentions her birthday and my brain is so fried from all the stress that I’ve been going through in school that I completely forgot. I didn’t even remember until Friday she said, ” I just want to go home  and eat some cake.” and me joking like an idiot ask, “Who’s birthday is it?” and then it strikes me that her birthday really must be today so I say, “Oops, Happy Birthday” and she says it was yesterday. Of course, I was so upset that I forgot her birthday and kept saying sorry. I really hope that she doesn’t think that I don’t care.Today, I’m going out to find her a gift (and card) and I really hope she forgives me. Even though she said it was okay, it’s always hard when a best friend forgets your birthday and I really don’t want her to hold it against me or for her feelings to be hurt. Would you guys be really upset if your best friend forgot your birthday? Has it ever happened to you before?

First Post / Get To Know Me

Hello this is my first post . (: I’m really excited to start this blogging thing again and I really want to stay committed. I have tried blogging before but never stayed committed because not one person even read my stuff so i thought it was pointless.What I also hope to accomplish with this blog now is personal growth being able to articulate my feelings and growing as a person from hearing others and maybe even looking back one day and laughing at all the things I once stressed about. Well, to start off with getting to know me I guess I’ll say that my nickname is chubby bunny so you just call me that . If you’re wondering I originally got it from my cousin because I was a chubby as a kid and it just stuck to me. I’m 18 years old and I’m in my last year in high school. I like to write different things like poetry and even articles sometimes.  I started this site because I need to start getting extra cash to save for college – I actually started making money online when I was a freshmen in high school.  This blog is just talking about my thoughts like things upsetting me, my personal opinion on controversial topics, advice,etc.