Sometimes, I worry that I might have postpartum depression. I mean, I’m not overwhelmed with sadness, and I definitely don’t feel distance from my little one. He’s the best little baby boy I could’ve asked for. I never feel like I want to be away from him.
And I feel like my daughter is just amazing. I mean, my kids aren’t the problem.
But, everyone in a while, I feel myself gripped with sadness. I ache for my home, or I yearn for some sort of connection. I want friends, I think, but I’m scared to make them. I’ve been disappointed in my friendships on pretty much every single occasion. I can’t count on them, and I feel like they can’t be trusted. Army wives are the worst. They’re so clique-y, and they are super judgmental. The worst are the ones trying to wear their husband’s rank. Granted, not all of them are like this. Maybe it’s just the ones that I’ve met. I mean, they all just seem fresh out of high school (even if they’re older than me), and they have that awful, look-down-my-nose-at-you mentality. So… friends are a hard part of my life.
And some days, I resent my work. I love that I have some goals set for myself, and I really like that I can contribute to my household. But I don’t enjoy the stress and constant requirement to perform at such a high level. I mean, it’s a lot. I have so many deadlines. I have to give so much feedback. And I always have a threat of “You might not be asked to do more work” looming over my head. That fear of rejection scares me, for sure.
Basically, this is a long-winded way of saying that I feel sad today. I’m not sure exactly what it is. If I could just put my finger on it… maybe, just maybe, I could feel a little better.