I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel restless. My soul hurts. I feel so lost, isolated and alone. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I don’t know what I need to make it right. I am hardly even making enough to make ends meet. And that of course makes things even tougher.
I feel depressed and honestly just wish that I could shake this feeling. I don’t know what I need. I am not even sure what the right answer is to end this struggle. To relieve this pain. I want to bawl my eyes out to try and heal and maybe help rid myself of some of this stress. I feel so unwanted, so unloved. Forgotten, like for whatever reason I am just not important. Like I am not enough and I don’t matter.
My family is hardly there for me. But that isn’t nothing new. I appreciate what little support that I get but being so alone and having hardly no one even caring about you just feels like a horrible pain in my heart.
Sure I hold on to some sliver of hope that one day things will get better in my life. I just wish I knew how.Why is my life so painful? Why do things have to be like this? I hate it. I took the test after getting the abnormal pap smear back. It will be a month since I had the test on Monday. I was suppose to get a phone call telling me the results on the 9th. I am not sure what happened. I have a follow up with the doctor on Monday. I guess she will also end up telling me the results then.
I am just so worried that she held off calling me because it isn’t good news. I am worried about that and it just adds a load on my shoulders that I am forced to deal with alone. What if I have cancer? Maybe it is nothing. Who knows but whatever it is, it breaks my heart that I am forced to face it on my own. I don’t plan on going anywhere soon but I really hope next lifetime is better because this one has been so horrible.
Maybe one day things will improve. I’m so lost I find that hard to believe, but still I hold on.