There are so many things that I am still dealing with. So many emotions and pain that I still am forced to face. I hate it. I wish I didn’t have to dwell on all the negative moments. If only it all didn’t have to effect me any longer. I don’t want my painful past to control me any longer. But yet some how some way I am still dealing with it.
It doesn’t make things much easier given the fact that if I went through an emotionally painful experience there isn’t a soul in my family that would really be loyal and dedicated and right there by my side. My Mom would probably say something like it will be alright don’t worry. And then further add several things that she is dealing with as if that is suppose to somehow take away my pain. But I guess it could be worse right.
She wouldn’t offer me any very valuable advice or guidance or anything. Then my sister she might say things will be alright and maybe even give me a hug or something but it isn’t as if she would check up on me every day or often to see how I was feeling. She wouldn’t encourage me to overcome it or guide me on what I could do like I wish an older sister would do. I appreciate what kind of support that I get but it still hurts that’s all I have.
Sometimes I just feel so alone in the world. There was this guy I feel so in love with several years ago. I broke his heart and he left and then we only saw each other once in a while. He was this strong man that would give me advice and could have been someone I could have looked up to and supported while he did the same. But he lead me on and then found someone else. Hes been in and out of my life but I don’t think I have ever convinced him that I was somehow good enough. And now I just feel so lost without him.
Without anyone. Maybe one day things will get better. Maybe I will find love and myself and even a hand to hold. I guess it could be worse but it also should be better.