Decisions

Here lately I have been having some issues with things I never wanted to feel……. If you don’t mind I would like to share that with you today.

 

I have shared my story with so many people. Even the part that I have so much hate for him. The things he put me through are horrible and I would never want someone to feel those things. I have found out deep dark family secrets that turn my stomach. I have learned many things in the two and half years since leaving him. So here goes.

I shared a photo that compared me, him and our son. Then, I shared a similar picture that compared us with our daughter. Both of them were flipped as to what I used to think in my head about our children. The one of our son compared to us said that he looked more like me, I think he looks just like his father. The one of our daughter said she favored him, I think she looks like me. Then I did it again with different pictures of us and it flipped saying our son looks like him and our daughter looks like me. Just as I thought. But it also goes to show you that in different circumstances each child can favor one parent over the other.

But, on to the reason for this today. These pictures sparked a conversation between me and two friends. Both of whom I love dearly. Somehow it lead to what I was going to tell my children of their father. To give a little background to this, their father in in prison until at least June of 2023, with 10 years of strict probation to follow, and has to register every 30 days because he is now a sex offender. Meaning, my children will be at least 12 and 14 when he could be released from prison, but 22 and 24 when he can step foot out of the sate he is incarcerated in. While I am comfortable with that, I am not 100% sure what I should disclose to them.

The man that I loved and married is long gone. To me that man is dead. While he is still alive, the man I knew is dead. The light in his eyes has been extinguished. He became a cruel, heartless person. I can’t even bring myself to completely admit to myself that he is who he has become. The debate that was sparked was a simple one. Do I tell my children what their father has done or do I tell them he is dead? I cannot tell him he is dead because, when they are old enough to investigate they will know. However, with the things he has done, I don’t want to tell them that. Having taken a class in juvenile delinquency in which we learned of a few different situations where this would be completely bad. Self-fulfilling prophecy and labeling. I do NOT want my son thinking that because his father is who is and has done the things he’s done, that he will be the same type of person. I do not want my daughter thinking that every man is that way. It’s a rough decision.

While I respect and love these friends for bringing this topic up, it still simple goes down to what is in the best interest of your child at the time. For now, only having been asked once by my 4 year old son, I have told them that he is in jail, which I explained to him, was a place big people go when they’ve been really bad. He seemed okay with that explanation. So for now the decision stands at telling them he is in jail and can’t see them because he was really bad. If for some reason something bad happens to him or he gets sick and passes, then I can tell them he passed away. I am not sure, for now, if I will ever disclose to them what he has done to me or to others.