Not My Shame

            I have been wanting to open up for a long time. I was so afraid to hurt certain people. But I am now to the point in my life where I cannot feel bad for his mistakes. I have so much hatred for this person that I never, ever wanted to hate. I am pretty certain that the day he dies I will NOT cry, as a matter of fact, I may clap and do a little dance. This is no longer my shame to hold on to.

          So for those of you that I haven’t opened up to, please take a moment to read this. In such a short time I have found myself in a place I never thought I would be. I was in a homeless shelter at the beginning of 2012. After a brief split with my now ex-husband, we made the decision to make one last attempt at our marriage. Probably, looking back, not the best decision I ever made. However, it did cause me to gain the life of my beautiful daughter. You see I had been told my chances of conceiving for a second time was .0001% and after feeling extremely blessed with my son, I was ok with that. This second miracle was the reason I now see that I tried the one last time.

          So on to the reason I am writing this. After leaving him for a second time, I knew that this time had to be the last. He was disliked by most of my family for the things he had put me through. When we made the decision to get back together, they were not happy. They were even angrier when I informed them I was pregnant again. After all of the things he had already put me through, I had forgiven him and allowed him back into my life. They were worried for me and with good reason.

          We did really well for the first few months. He increasingly became more hostile towards me and even towards our nearly two year old son. And then it is like the light in his eyes lowly faded. You see, he was one of those guys that had the most beautiful life-filled eyes. But as time went on, it faded. I still to this day do not know where everything went wrong. Now looking at his pictures (recent not old) that light is gone completely. As a matter of fact they are almost dead.

          What I do know, is that on September 24, 2012 my life was forever changed. This was the day after I had celebrated the coming of my beautiful daughter. I am saddened by the events that took place on that day. My feelings towards almost everything changed that day. This was the day that the man who was supposed to love and protect me, slammed my head into a wall during an argument and physically forced me to have sex. That is correct, my husband, raped me. I know now after a ton of soul searching and research, that what he had done to me was NOT okay by any means. Just because I was legally married to him, he was not allowed to rape me. A marriage license is not a license to be raped.

          After two and a half years of freeing myself from this person, my life slowly becomes more of what it should be. Peace and quiet. I feel more alive now than I think I ever have. I have a passion inside me to do something to help others like myself and many of my friends. I cannot by any mean find it in my heart to forgive him. It doesn’t matter to me if it’s better for me if I do. The anger and pain drive me to be who I am.

          I do however fell sorry for 4 very precious people in this entire situation. They are his 4 beautiful children (2 of which are mine biologically). These children now have to live with the stigma that their father is an abuser who rapes women. But even still, this is his shame to carry not mine, and not his children. His family shouldn’t carry that burden of shame either. As angry as I am at some of them for having nothing to do with my children, they need not carry that burden either. It is his shame, and his shame alone. I dread the day I have to explain to my children why he isn’t around. But it’s ok. They know their mommy loves them to the end of time.

          Then I look back and realize why some people treated him the way they did. They knew who he was and what he was. They knew I’d never in a million years believe he was capable of the things he has done. I know deep in their hearts they wanted to tell me, but knew I’d never believe it. I remember people telling me they saw the toxic relationship and were honestly scared for my safety. I of course didn’t want to hear it.

          Basically to get to the point, when you have survived abuse in any way, you do NOT have to forgive the person to move forward. I do strongly believe you have to figure out how to let go of the shame. Shame is a burden and we have held their burdens long enough. So to end this I will speak this and believe it even more THIS IS NOT MY SHAME, IT IS HIS. I AM DONE CARRYING THE SHAME, IT IS YOURS NOW AND FOREVER!!!!!!!