Fear is Never Ending

Fear is never-ending………

So I am sitting quietly at a computer at school and my phone begins to ring. I look down thinking it’s about my daughter who had been a little ill yesterday, well it was my lawyer. A sense of fear rushed over me. Of course a thousand thoughts went through my head. Yes he’s in prison, yes he’s gone far away, yes I am free, yes I am healing, but damn, my lawyer doesn’t just call for no reason…….. Was he trying to force me to bring the children to a prison in another state to receive visitation. Now mind you this a year if not longer since I have spoken to my lawyer.
As I pick up, with a no doubt shaking voice, I say “Hello” She giggles a little and says “Freaking out a little were you?” I said well “Yes I am” She then proceeded to inform me as to the reason for her call. I have been asked to join an information board that will help the legal aid from all over my state to deal with and handle victims of domestic violence. They get a lot of requests for help from domestic violence victims.
Please do not get me wrong this is a blessing and an honor to do this. I am overjoyed and excited that her immediate thought was me. I am studying Criminal Justice so it is a great opportunity for me as well. But my heart sank when I saw her number. I of course said yes.
So to maybe make it a little clearer on why that phone call scared me so much. For a year and a half this woman would only call me if she was returning my call because of him violating the restraining order I had placed on him. I had really only had dealings with her when it was urgent or in regards to my divorce to follow the restraining order. So the immediate thought was this had to do with him
I have finally gotten to the point where, even knowing that he is behind bars, which I could not completely freak out just walking out of my door. A feeling that I worked hard to get to. So when that phone began going off, I was simply afraid. The fear never seems to completely go away. Just eases up a little.

3 thoughts on “Fear is Never Ending”

  1. I live half way across the country now & it’s been 12 years;yet I still freak a little when I see a vehicle like his or someone who resembles him. :'(

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