At 36 years old I often wonder where I am heading. After years of being told I was nothing. Years of being told no one else would ever love me like he did. Years of jealous tirades and drinking binges I simply realize life goes on. Sadly, not the way I had planned.
You see, I had planned on this life of love, marriage and raising our children together. I never planned to become “that woman”. The woman who is afraid of the man she once loved. I never planned on having to protect myself with a restraining order. Never once did I think, I would be afraid to leave my home, fearing I would end up badly injured or dead. Life had to go on, even when facing these fears.
At the very moment when I was so very sure I couldn’t move forward, my entire world changed. I received a final message (even though I had a restraining order) asking me how our children were. I didn’t respond, I never did. Then………. Silence. Nothing, no calls, no texts, no messages from yet another created Facebook account. It was purely and blissfully silent. Life goes on in a moment of silence.
Now, over a year after seeing the last message, I sit in college to be an advocate for women like myself. I see a future with no boundaries. And considering he is sitting in a prison cell for the next ten to twenty years, I actually feel like life can go on. My heart is open to the idea of love again. My mind is open to the thought of being able to be myself with no one holding me back from doing so.
There was a time in all of the hell that I honestly had no idea what I was meant to do with my life. Was I meant to be a battered woman? Was I meant to be a mom and a wife, living in a personal hell that no one knew was that bad? Was I meant to slowly fade from the world without anyone realizing I was gone? Was I meant to die that day? Was I meant to be here at all? It’s sometimes hard for me to believe in a higher power, and even still today being safe, because what higher power would make a woman deal with the abuse, the rape by her own husband, the lies, the deception? Do I believe in a higher power? I sure do. I honestly believe there is a reason for every single thing that happens. I was meant to go through what I did so that I could help other deal with things in the criminal justice field when their minds are not able to focus. I believe I meant to show them that life goes on, you just have to make it go on.
Life goes on. It can be beautiful. It can be lived. It can be happy. Life is what you make it. Walk away from the life that hurts you, and step into a life that can be exciting and wonderful. Know that even withstanding pain and sadness, life goes on……….