Life Goes On………….

At 36 years old I often wonder where I am heading. After years of being told I was nothing. Years of being told no one else would ever love me like he did. Years of jealous tirades and drinking binges I simply realize life goes on. Sadly, not the way I had planned.

You see, I had planned on this life of love, marriage and raising our children together. I never planned to become “that woman”. The woman who is afraid of the man she once loved. I never planned on having to protect myself with a restraining order. Never once did I think, I would be afraid to leave my home, fearing I would end up badly injured or dead. Life had to go on, even when facing these fears.

At the very moment when I was so very sure I couldn’t move forward, my entire world changed. I received a final message (even though I had a restraining order) asking me how our children were. I didn’t respond, I never did. Then………. Silence. Nothing, no calls, no texts, no messages from yet another created Facebook account. It was purely and blissfully silent. Life goes on in a moment of silence.

Now, over a year after seeing the last message, I sit in college to be an advocate for women like myself. I see a future with no boundaries. And considering he is sitting in a prison cell for the next ten to twenty years, I actually feel like life can go on. My heart is open to the idea of love again. My mind is open to the thought of being able to be myself with no one holding me back from doing so.

There was a time in all of the hell that I honestly had no idea what I was meant to do with my life. Was I meant to be a battered woman? Was I meant to be a mom and a wife, living in a personal hell that no one knew was that bad? Was I meant to slowly fade from the world without anyone realizing I was gone? Was I meant to die that day? Was I meant to be here at all? It’s sometimes hard for me to believe in a higher power, and even still today being safe, because what higher power would make a woman deal with the abuse, the rape by her own husband, the lies, the deception? Do I believe in a higher power? I sure do. I honestly believe there is a reason for every single thing that happens. I was meant to go through what I did so that I could help other deal with things in the criminal justice field when their minds are not able to focus. I believe I meant to show them that life goes on, you just have to make it go on.

Life goes on. It can be beautiful. It can be lived. It can be happy. Life is what you make it. Walk away from the life that hurts you, and step into a life that can be exciting and wonderful. Know that even withstanding pain and sadness, life goes on……….

Teaching My Children

Teaching My Children

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I was asked not that long ago what it is I wanted to teach my children. Well, that is a very loaded question. So I am going to take a minute here and explain what I want to teach my children.

About family: First and foremost, that no one will ever love them as much as I do. No one will ever be as supportive as those who love you. Family is not always blood either. Some family members are just kind of gained. They could be related by blood, marriage or just friends who care enough about them to be considered family. Family is and always will be the center of your world as long as I have anything to do with it.

About siblings: at 2 and 4 I am pretty sure these sweet little moments won’t last. Those moments when she wants her bubby and he wants his sissy are going to fade into “I hate him” and “She’s annoying”. But although they have an older brother and an older sister, they are 11 and 12 years older than these two. By the time that they are going to truly need that connection with them (they don’t see them now) those two will be married and probably having children of their own. So as much as it pains me to say it, they really only have that connection with each other. A brother and sister bond that I am sure will be as deep as it is important. But I need them to know that when life gets the hardest, when you have siblings, you have someone to help you. A love that is never ending.

About education: At 36 I am finally back in school to get my degree. Do not get me wrong I wouldn’t change having them for anything, but I wish I was more financially stable, to provide only the best that life has to offer. So on this topic, all I can really tell them is to take what you feel is in your heart and run with it. Use your life experiences for the greater good of others. Do not ever stop. Never and I mean NEVER give up.

About relationships: I am probably not the best person to talk about this, but I will sure try. No relationship is perfect. But when you truly love someone, and I don’t care if it’s a man or woman for either of you, just love with all you have inside of you. A relationship isn’t 50/50 it’s 100% of both. If you both aren’t giving your relationship all you have then don’t be in it. If you can look at that person from across the table and see yourself with them in 50 years, and smile, then don’t let that go. Basically, love with everything you have inside of you. But do not ever question that little intuition you feel, if it’s telling you something isn’t right, then listen to it.

About life: Wow, this is a rough one. But at the same time that it’s rough, it’s easy. Please don’t ever forget that you are never, ever completely alone. There is always someone that will care. Do not ever turn a blind eye to someone else’s pain. They may simply just need a smile from you. Listen with an open heart and most of all an open mind. Take a moment each day to find something positive. It is not supposed to be easy, but if it is awesome. All I want for the both of you is just be happy. Live every moment of this life like you’ll never get another. Take a deep breath, and just when you think your fear is going to overwhelm you, leap. Don’t take the people you love or that love you for grated, because at that instant they could be taken from you. So even though it seems a bit trite and silly all I am really trying to say is this: Live life to the fullest, Love with all you have, and Laugh as much as you can.

Fear is Never Ending

Fear is never-ending………

So I am sitting quietly at a computer at school and my phone begins to ring. I look down thinking it’s about my daughter who had been a little ill yesterday, well it was my lawyer. A sense of fear rushed over me. Of course a thousand thoughts went through my head. Yes he’s in prison, yes he’s gone far away, yes I am free, yes I am healing, but damn, my lawyer doesn’t just call for no reason…….. Was he trying to force me to bring the children to a prison in another state to receive visitation. Now mind you this a year if not longer since I have spoken to my lawyer.
As I pick up, with a no doubt shaking voice, I say “Hello” She giggles a little and says “Freaking out a little were you?” I said well “Yes I am” She then proceeded to inform me as to the reason for her call. I have been asked to join an information board that will help the legal aid from all over my state to deal with and handle victims of domestic violence. They get a lot of requests for help from domestic violence victims.
Please do not get me wrong this is a blessing and an honor to do this. I am overjoyed and excited that her immediate thought was me. I am studying Criminal Justice so it is a great opportunity for me as well. But my heart sank when I saw her number. I of course said yes.
So to maybe make it a little clearer on why that phone call scared me so much. For a year and a half this woman would only call me if she was returning my call because of him violating the restraining order I had placed on him. I had really only had dealings with her when it was urgent or in regards to my divorce to follow the restraining order. So the immediate thought was this had to do with him
I have finally gotten to the point where, even knowing that he is behind bars, which I could not completely freak out just walking out of my door. A feeling that I worked hard to get to. So when that phone began going off, I was simply afraid. The fear never seems to completely go away. Just eases up a little.