Sunshine in darkness……..

Yesterday……… I walked outside. I felt the cool mist flying around in the somewhat warm air, hoping it wouldn’t mess up the freshly done make-up or newly straightened hair. While it didn’t mess up my make-up it did cause just a touch of frizz in my hair. But I couldn’t help but smile just a little. Right before I stepped outside, I remember hearing the weatherman say we could possibly see just peek or two of sunshine today.

So a small glimpse into the smile. I looked down to left of me and holding my hand was this little gorgeous blue eyed boy, laughing hysterically. Apparently the mist on his face was quite the laughing matter. You see he was not expected a while ago. Before I had him, I had two miscarriages and had pretty much given up the thought of ever having a child…….. let alone two. So here was this handsome little blonde boy laughing and holding my hand. Then I look down (way down) to my right hand and here is this little hazel eyed beauty laughing so hard because apparently her brother is really really funny. This light brown haired girl, who I wasn’t supposed to have, considering the doctor told me my chances of conceiving again let alone carrying and successfully delivering would be .001%, basically a miracle. And yet here I was with both these little miracles holding tightly to my hands. Laughing as if the world was never going to hurt them. Right at that moment nothing else mattered to me but hearing that laughter.

So in that moment when the weatherman stated a peek or two of sunshine could be seen, I realized I have to living beems of sunshine. No matter what storms I have faced, or the storms that the future inevitably holds, I will have some sunshine. And these two little peeks of sunshine call me “Mommy”

A Day in the Life of a Survivor

To realize I am a survivor was one big step. To realize that I suffered abuse was a very hard pill to swallow. I know now that I am gone from those bad days, but I relive them all the time. The beautiful days that lie ahead seem so far away sometimes. The dreams that come in the night, and even in the waking hours, are so hard to stop. I try to mush through another day, and most days I do. As a survivor that feel this each and every single day, there is more that most don’t share.

First, a survivor walks in constant fear of being judged by those who know the story, even if it’s just a portion of the story. The fear that our abuser is watching, waiting, or even worse, plotting what will happen next. To watch over your shoulder at every single turn is sometimes just as bad as the abuse itself. To feel like you have no control over what is going to happen is gut-wrenching. To know that most of the time the court is either unwilling or unable to assist in a domestic violence situation. Either the law doesn’t cover what is going on, or the court feels like there isn’t enough evidence to support your accusations. This makes the life of a survivor harder. To know that even if you muster up the courage to leave or escape, you may not get the help that is needed to successfully stay removed.

Second, a survivor is left with this overwhelming feeling that no matter their intelligence, education, or even just life knowledge, they aren’t enough for anything. There is a feeling of very low self-esteem, you feel like you are unworthy of love and affection. A survivor becomes a different person, they are never the same person that entered that relationship in the beginning. Feelings of inadequacy is what is constantly in our head. A life that is lonely is how we are made to feel that we deserve.

Third, we feel powerless. As though no one could possibly see us for more than a possession. Never see us for the beautiful person that we really are. We feel alone in every single moment, even if there’s a hundred people nearby, we feel alone. After all, we were constantly told it was our fault. We were reminded that no one but them loved us, or ever would love us. We are broken people, just picking up the pieces of our shattered self.

Finally, now that we have gotten to a point where we can share our truth, believe us. Don’t look at us with disgust. Hold us while we cry our tears of pain. Let us voice our story. Just listen. This day we chose you to hear us. We chose you to share our truth with. We have been silenced for so long.

So with all of that said, a day in the life of a survivor is clothed in fear, sadness, regret, strength, wisdom, and faith in the world………….