Hey guys. After taking a few weeks off to fail miserably at crowd funding, I am back doing something I am half way decent at: making smarky observations about the B-show. Let’s get to it, shall we?
So, Monday I criticized WWE a bit for not having a video tribute. Apparently, they put one up on their official youtube channel, which is nice, but much like their backstage fallout videos, it would be better served to get your 3 million tv viewers to see it first. Nothing wrong with exclusive youtube content, but I don’t know anyone that avoids rewatching a youtube video because of the lack of exclusivity. Regardless, it was a nice gesture to honor one of the all time greats.
We kick of SmackDown proper with a little MizTV. The running joke of the segment is that Miz can’t introudce his guests before they interrupt. I’d blame the sound guy personally. That’s his responsibility. KO wants to rename MizTv the KO show and I am all for it if we randomly get ten minute segments of angry Canadian Dad badmouthing Rich and hanging out with New Day and Sasha Banks. ADR interrupts next and Zeb bores me with nursery rhymes until Dean comes in to stand up for Miz and respect the system. He puts over both ADR and KO as formidable opponents, calls Zeb Yosemite Sam, and guarantees that he can take whatever they dish out because at the end of Survivor Series, Dean is
making walking out with the WWE World Championship Title. Has anyone else noticed that KO is the only champion that can lay legit claim to carrying Gold? The top belt is jewel encrusted and black, the tag titles look like Roman Pennies, the US Title is a metal US Flag, and the Diva’s Belt is a butterfly/trampstamp/Jeff Hardy drug feuled dream. Just food for thought.
Oh yeah, Roman was in this segment, but didn’t say a word because a wild R-Truth appears. R-Truth gets the cheap pop by remembering where they are, then does a repeat of his “I will win the IC Title” promise before being reminded he’s not actually invovled. Remember Awesome Truth? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Truth’s sincere apology and wishing Ambreigns good luck were kind of funny. Anyway the combination of Miz’s very punchable face and Dean’s foray into Hollywood causing a Pavlovian response to the world action leads to Miz getting punched out.
We come back from the break and Sad Face Miz is in his feelings as we introduce the Swiss Superman and current World Champion in an alternate universe fic I’m going to shop around next month.
Miz vs Cesaro
Miz gets a cheap shot in the opening of the match and pressures Cesaro for almost a full minute before Cesaro reminds us how amazing he is by doing Sin Cara 1’s La Mistica into a cross face for the very quick tap out victory. Credit where credit is due, I dig when heels tap quickly to submissions.
Post match, we go directly into the Cosmic Wasteland’s entrance. Star Dust with a rather sinister cartwheel and the Ascension briefly stare down one of the few guys I want to just murderalize them because it would look amazing. Cesaro mocks Star Dust with a cartwheel of his own and the hand sign as we take it to the break.
Cosmic Wasteland vs Neville and the Dudley Boys
Neville and Viktor start and exchange holds until Viktor over powers Neville. Star Dust in but gets hip tossed immediately. He recovers quickly though to go on the offensive for a few seconds. Neville with his mutliple flip evasion, but in a unique spot, Konnor pulls down the middle rope and Neville crashes to the outside as he goes to rebound off the ropes. Star Dust goes to the outside and claps for Neville before bouncing the hero’s head off the announce table and hissing at him. Konnor drops Neville with a clothesline while Booker welcomes Neville to the wastelands. Looks like a perfect time for some ads
We’re back in time to see Neville fight out of a chin lock and score a two count with a school boy. He still winds up in enemy territory and takes a beating. Star Dust stomps him then curtsies to the Dudleys. Star Dust gets Neville in a tree of woe, but runs into an upside down kick. Viktor tagged in, but Neville escapes and Bubba is in. They recover from a slight botch with a huge standing one arm side slam. American Dream Shoutout to Star Dust as he gets Bionic Elbowed. If Konnor didn’t know what’s up before, now he knows. Countdown to table retrieval is aborted with a Disaster Kick to Bubba. Can I just say, I’m digging the “Dudleys are too preoccupied with wood so their opponents get the better of them” spot as of late?
Neville missile drop kicks Star Dust then gets thrown to the outside where his foot nails Konnor. Viktor takes the 3D and the loss for his team.
Winners: Neville and the Dudley Boys
We get a video package with Bray Wyatt narration. So the pieces of the Brothers of Destrution he got were their ability to make some intern make scary videos? No worse than anything else Bray’s been involved in the last year.
Hey, look it’s Tyler. Such a goregous presence deserves it’s on segment, so we’re going to break before some Uggo messes up the ambience.
We’re back and Prince Pretty is here to inform us that Zach Ryder and Dolph share the same 1980 never fashion sense. Meanwhile, Tyler is timeless. Tyler Breeze/Undertaker feud imminent?
Tyler Breeze vs Zach Ryder
Dolph and his Kung Fury looking self crashes the VIP section and Zach Ryder uses this distraction to roll up Tyler for 2. Long Island Iced Z hits the drop kick then bars the arm. Tyler takes over after a missed missile drop kick and ends this quickly with the very fitting Unprettier. Better than the Beauty Shot at least.
Winner: Tyler Breeze
Ziggler attacks after the bell like a tried and true WWE face and drops Tyler with a super kick.
The Diva’s Revulsion is coming up next, but first Lawler wants us to believe Bray has shown us his power by turning a couple of druids against Undertaker this past Monday. Not even like ten of them. Probably the 2 that are just henching because it sounded cool at the time. Let’s take a look at some ads.
Gregorian chants welcome us back to the show. Was that a pregnant lady in the intro video? Half a ton of Muderous Intent enters the ring and I can’t help but think how much more menancing this would be in NXT or Lucha Underground. Bray rambles on about vengeance and lack of remorse before passing the mic to Braun Stroganoff, who has quite the effective 80s cartoon villian voice.
I can’t hate a guy that promises me he will bring about an X-Men villian and destroy the monument to a bygone era, even if I feel deep in my heart he will either a) not be a part of the match, or b) get chloroformed on the outside to avoid getting pinned.
Anyway, Kane and Undertaker interrupt, we get a burning sheep mask (which is probably not good for the lungs), Undertaker hitting the “RIP” line and Kane hitting the corner pyro. The Druids fall asleep or die and either way I don’t think the Wyatts will be getting their deposit back from the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Let’s take a break then.