Reply To: Is it possible to be honest while using "back doors?

Activity Forums General Discussion Is it possible to be honest while using "back doors? Reply To: Is it possible to be honest while using "back doors?

#9951

kendra
Participant

Thanks for your thoughtful response, Amalthea!

Yes, it’s certain that everybody will be different in every single relationship. I know I’ve been a bit different towards every single boyfriend I’ve ever had, sometimes even drastically different with one than another. That’s just all about responding and reacting to different people. I mean, I’m a bit different around say, my mom than my significant other.

I agree that some things, like cheating on a past girlfriend/boyfriend wouldn’t exactly be a requirement to share when in a new relationship, although if ever I did not want to be totally raw and open about it, I would just not answer the question rather than lie. I think I’d answer the person’s question with a question if I didn’t want to admit to my past. LOL. If they asked me if I’d ever cheated on someone, I’d just say “have you ever cheated on someone.” LOL. And if it went further I’d just jokingly say I preferred not to discuss the past, especially ex-boyfriends with them. Crises averted. Lol.

But I suppose I’ve always been incredibly open and raw when people ask me questions. I’ve always just been straight up, and even admitted to cheating in the past. It wasn’t ever held against me though, so that’s why I never felt a need to lie about it to anyone I dated. If one of them had let my past actions change how they treated me, or determined their respect for me, then I can’t say I wouldn’t do some lying. I’ll admit I’ve lied to boyfriends about things similar to that. Then again, at the time it did not occur to me that if they did lose respect for me over something like that, then they wouldn’t be worth my love/time anyhow.

If we’re discussing lies and white lies and which lies are “okay,” then my answers on those would vary greatly depending on the situation. I can see many instances where flat-out lying is totally acceptable! Lol. If you think hard on it, I feel like most people can imagine certain situations where a lie can be totally harmless and even necessary sometimes (not typically with people you love, but there are some other circumstances.)

But since we’re discussing back doors — trying to justify leading someone to believe a total lie, then I have yet to think of a circumstance when that would be considered anything honest. Still thinking on it, though.

What you said about “truth telling” and “blatant honesty”… not sure I know the difference, but if by “blatant honesty,” you mean voluntarily telling someone an unnecessary truth, then I agree — there are plenty of instances where that could be uncalled for. However, sharing an unnecessary truth voluntarily is hardly ever necessary anyways, so it would not be a lie to simply not share it. If that makes sense?

An example of voluntarily sharing an unnecessary truth would be like if you noticed a stranger wearing what you call a totally ugly shade of lipstick and decided to tell them it was ugly and didn’t look nice on them. Bad! That is just rude. I was just discussing with my significant other last night how almost any time you ask someone (of my age, at least) what some of their qualities are, they almost always say “I’m blatantly honest” or “I’m always totally honest, even if it means hurting feelings.” And I said — that is not being honest, that is being rude and using “honesty” as an excuse to do it! Lol. Like the lipstick example.

What brought that topic up was a girl I’d recently met made a big to do the second time I met her, telling my S/O that he needed to beat someone up because they said something about me. She wanted so badly to tell us that this person had said I was ugly in high school that she went well out of her way to tell us! She was afraid to hurt my feelings, though, she said after telling us. I assured her that the person had every right to not think of me as attractive, and he was totally allowed to think of me as however he wished, even if it is ugly! Turns out, a friend who heard her tell us later said that the person hadn’t even used the word ugly, but had commented that I had gotten lovely after high school.

Her telling us was voluntary, it was honest, though! Lol Well, it was honest from what she heard of the conversation about me. In my opinion, you don’t always have to tell someone something just because it’s honest. My mom has always told me to ask 2 questions before telling someone something 1. do they need to know & will it actually serve them any purpose to tell them? 2. Will it hurt their feelings? Obviously, if it doesn’t help them in any way, but only hurts their feelings, you keep it to yourself.

That is when honesty is more than just honesty and more rude than anything. But people want to be applauded for having the “guts” to tell you something that might hurt your feelings. It took so much courage! You might as well pat them on the back for such honesty. Lol. 😉

On the other hand, if I asked someone what they thought of me and gave them permission to be honest (which is really the only reason one would ask that question Lol.), then I would expect full honesty, and I wouldn’t chide them for giving it to me. In that case, I think blatant honesty is okay.

So when you say “responsible truth-telling,” that is what I see it as — being sure that your intentions are well-meaning when you speak a truth, and keeping anything that wouldn’t do you or someone else good to yourself.

And I also agree that situations change as your relationships do. Once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily a hard truth, in my opinion. I mean, if it were, that would mean I would always be a cheater since I have cheated on past boyfriends. And I’m so far from that kind of behavior now that I could confidently say I’ll never do it. Again, that is. Lol. But, it is true — depending on the person you’re with, and how you feel about them (and how you might feel about other potential spouses too Lol) is more of a determining factor than having cheated in your past.

Whew! Am I long winded or what? Lol.