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April Goal Recap

Well, it is the last day of April as I sit and write this.

Funny how the end of the month is very much like the beginning of the month.  My oldest son is sick again, and I’m sick again.

I’m trying to get a jump on my April recap and May goals

Need a reminder of my April goals?  Go read them at “Alright, Do it Right April” on my list blog.  Go ahead, I’ll wait….

Now, how did I do?

  1.  I have started a Sacred Space or Altar for myself.  Its growing and changing a little at a time.  It is a collection of small things that I like, and each thing has meaning as well.   I’ll probably blog about it some time this month.

    I have tried meditating in front of it, but that didn’t go so well for me, as my children and husband always interrupt me.

    Of course, if I can’t even go #2 in the bathroom by myself, meditation didn’t stand a chance.

  2. I’ve still not journaled, or even blogged (since my blogs are very much like a personal journal), like I wanted to.  The intention is there.  I even have two journals and some pens as part of my Sacred Space.
  3.   No cleansing or purging has happened.  Again, good intentions, but I would take a look at whatever space I wanted to start on, and get cold feet.  Too much work.  I hate having to part with any of my stuff.  We have a whole house and I should not always be the one giving up my things.  But that is a rant for another time.
  4.   The mindfulness is about 50/50.  I have been slightly more aware of my moods, what was triggering them.  But I’ve not been able to turn my moods around.  When I went dark this month I stayed dark.

Now, wanna see what I’m up to in May.  Check out my May goals on my List Blog.

Struggling With a Lack of Myself

If you have read this blog before then you know I am on a quest to find myself.

Or, rather, I am on a quest to find a quest to find myself.

See, my soul wants to be shaken up.  I need a big change.  I need something that will rock the boat.

BUT….

I can’t afford (literally and figuratively) to rock the boat, because I’m not alone in it.

I work a full time job.  My husband only works part time.  We have a mortgage and 2 small kids to care for and feed.

My job has become a nightmare, and my relationship with my husband has become…questionable.  Except he refuses to acknowledge it.  I feel myself slipping away from him, and he doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong.

What I want to do is take some time off.  Some time away.  Some time apart.

I want to be isolated in a cottage in the countryside.  I want to be free to make and to create and to sit still and meditate for hours on end if I want to.

I need to be able to turn inwards.

But I can’t.

I spend 40+ hours a week at a job that I have come to LOATHE in the past year.  I mean, work is never fun.  I used to like my job a little more (despite how much I complained about it) because I always liked the people I worked with.

That isn’t true any more.  The  job has changed so much in the past 10 years its like I’m not even working at the same place anymore.  Even more so that we have the new manager.  If he can still be called new after 10 years.

Meanwhile, by the time I get home from work I’m mentally and physically drained.  I want to be creative, but I can’t.  I want to spend time with my sons, without being the mean mommy, but I can barely do that.  I just want to fall into bed and sleep and forget that I exist.

I love my sons deeply and dearly, but I need to be alone. (The job I work at has me surrounded by literally hundreds of strangers a day as well)

Then when the boys are finally both asleep and I can have some time to myself, my husband thinks that time, and my body, should belong to him.

I want to run away.

I can’t take time off though.  I can’t quit my job and search for a creative outlet.  Because if I don’t go to work every day then my husband can’t afford to pay the mortgage and feed the kids.  My family would be homeless and hungry.

I am a mother.  I will always sacrifice myself for my kids.

But after some recent very vivid nightmares (read about one here) I wonder at what cost.

So Much for March

For those of you who don’t know, I make a list of goals every month.  That is what I’m doing for 2016 instead of doing one list of “resolutions” for the year.

So far I’m doing a bang up job of failing to reach my goals every month.  But March was the worst.

First take a moment to visit my march goal list:
MARCHING FORWARD WITH MARCH GOALS

Did you read it?  Well, lets see how I did.

  1.  Nope.  Not even close.  In fact I started hitting the snooze button MORE often.  Couple of times I was cutting it super close getting the kid out of the house to get to school on time.  Mornings are NOT my friends. All I want to do is SLEEP.
  2. Well, I made exactly ONE journal entry for the entire month.  Which MIGHT could be considered a win instead of a fail because 1 is more than 0.  But I meant more often than once.  Maybe once a week.
  3.  Still not putting as much effort into this as I should.  My Happy Acres addiction on facebook is a hindrance.  I’ll open blogjob or mylot and leave without doing anything just to go harvest fake fruit and veggies.  Clearly this is a problem.
  4.  Another nope.  My blood pressure is out of control. My stress levels are out of control.  I’ve not been taking my medicine.  I’ve not been doing anything I ought to be doing to take care of myself.  I’m not even doing my hot bath therapy as I used to.  Never enough time.
  5.   Again I had the best of intentions, but didn’t actually take out any trash.  Unless you count the ACTUAL trash.  I took out plenty of that.  Specially diapers since the baby has had a tummy virus for a week now.

So that is how the last month went.

April’s list is Alright, Do it Right, April and is up on my list blog now

Need Blog Help!

I’m doing it again.

I’m making another blog.

Because I refuse to give up on the idea that I can spend my time doing something I really enjoy, and earn money from it.

It is a niche I tried in the past, but I’m approaching it from a different angle this time.

A DIY DAY

It is a craft blog.

In the past I launched a craft blog, but never had time to make crafts to share on it.  So nothing came of it.

This time I am going to have several crafts DONE before I even launch the blog.

Right now I have a whole page of possible crafts listed.  If I only posted one craft a week I have enough crafts to do 7 months of blog.

Of course I don’t have all the stuff to do every craft right now, but they are mostly inexpensive.

Are they all my own original ideas?

Nope.  They are DIYs inspired by Pinterest, Tumblr, youtube, etc.

I’ll do a craft.  Share the process and products.  Share my finished product.  Share what it was inspired by.

Meanwhile I need to think of other “filler” stuff.

I mean, I would like to post a minimum of 3 times a week.  One DIY project a week and….what else?  Crafty book and product reviews would be good, but I can’t afford to review one product or book a week cause I can’t afford to BUY something every single week.  Probably not even every single month.

Unless, of course, this thing actually DOES start earning some income.  Since crafting is my hobby, if it even made enough to pay for just the supplies to do more stuff.

Anyway, what I need to know is:

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ON A CRAFT THEMED BLOG?

Please, leave me some comments below on what you would like to see in a craft themed blog.  Really, any suggestion will be considered so don’t be shy!

Loneliness and Bubbles

Deliberation Poster

This poster is available at Amazon.com.

Today should have been a good day, because I didn’t have to work.  And I didn’t have a crap-load of housework to do.  I could just chill.

But it wasn’t a very good day at all.  That seems to be the case with Tuesday.  Tuesday is always the worst day of my week.  Every freaking week!

Being home, and in a good mood to start, I dressed up for my husband for when he got home from work.  I was wearing an outfit he likes, and even wore a lipstick color he bought me, not because I like it but because he did.

I put effort into looking nice for him and he completely ignored me.

Yep, didn’t even bat an eye in my direction.  Just went on about his day as if I were not there and were still at work instead of home happy to see him.

Except I wasn’t happy to see him after that.

When it became clear that he wasn’t going to pay a single bit of attention to me I changed into something more comfortable and washed the silly makeup off my face, then made lunch for me and the boy.

Sometimes I am jealous of single people, who can look for someone to love them.  I’m in this loveless marriage, and it is very, very lonely sometimes. (Ah, who am I kidding.  It is very lonely all of the time.)

bubblesAfter lunch I took the baby outside to play.  He ran around a while then wanted to play with his bubbles.  He spilled all his bubbles, and sat down in the mess.  It was kind of cute.

He played with his little basketball hoop, went down the slide once, and spent most of his time running circles up and down the back porch.

Up the ramp we build for our old man dog.  Down the steps on the other side.  Circled around.  Up the ramp.  Down the steps.  Circle around.

Of course, as is bound to happen with a 2 year old playing on steps, he fell down!

He hopped back up, didn’t even cry, but it scared the bejeesus out of me.

He just handed me the bubble wand he was still carrying, and went on his way.

Old man dog went to the vet, and I put the baby down for a nap.  Instead of relaxing I cleaned the kitchen which was a mess.

Hubby got back, and the older boy got home from school about the same time.  They started playing minecraft.

I tried to take a relaxing bath, but could hear the hubby scolding the boys every few minutes, for no reason other than they were acting their ages, and he was getting annoyed because he was trying to play a video game.

So I got out.

The rest of my night has continued in a similar manner, and I’m ready for bed.  But I have to wait for the bread in the oven to finish baking first.

Meanwhile, I’ve made my goals for March (See Marching Forward with March Goals).  Go check it out.

February Goal Recap

goalsEvery month I have been setting a handful of goals for myself for the month.  I share these on Listing Lists.

Things I’m Working On In February, is where I shared my February goals.  Take a moment to go read over my goals.  I’ll wait.

Now, here is how well I fared on them:

  1.  I did cook some this month.  I did not make any Candied Orange Peels.  I did bake more bread.  I made cupcakes from scratch, that didn’t turn out so well.  And I make chocolate chip cookies that were EXCELLENT.  (and they are also gone.  lol)
  2. I did not start my new blog.  I can’t settle on a name for it.  The name I really wanted (Simple Happy Home).  I’m also playing with the idea of buying some hosting and trying a wordpress blog to see if the earning potential is any higher.
  3.   I didn’t do any more cleaning of my desk drawers.  In fact, the top of my desk is a hot mess, an avalanche just waiting to happen.On the bright side, none of the drawers I already cleaned have gotten any new junk thrown in them, so they are still clean.
  4. Likewise I didn’t touch my bookshelves at all.  And the mess is overflowing off of my book  shelf onto the tiny shelf in front of it that we put our library books (and dvds) on to keep them separate from the rest of our books.
  5.   I also did not get anything listed in my etsy shop.Every time I would think about sitting down to make something, those horrible little critics in my head started their “nobody is going to buy this” chatter.  So I never did make anything to list.

So, there you go, what happened with my “To Do”  list for February.

I’m a little sad that I only accomplished 1 out of 5 goals this past month.

Keep your eyes peeled for a list of goals for March on Listing Lists

(image used from morguefile.com.)

Wish a little Wish

Has your whole life become a series of wants and wishes?

Dandelion Wishes

Image used from morguefile.com

When I was a child we used to say that if you made a wish and blew on a dandelion puff that the wish would come true if you could blow all of the seeds off with one breath.

Also, any unique old bottles found had the sweet promise of the possibility of a genie inside.

Wish. Want.  Dream.

All of my life I have been chasing wishes.

People often say that if you want it hard enough and work hard enough that you can make your own dreams come true.  I tend to disagree.

But maybe that is just because I’m a failure at life.

Other people give rousing speeches about how they started at the bottom.  Now they are famous actors, actresses, sports stars with multiples mansions and holiday homes in Europe.

I started at the bottom and have barely pulled myself halfway out of the hole that life plopped me into.

*sigh*

Can you tell I’m not in a place of light and sunshine tonight?

There are so many physical things I want.  So many things, less physical, that I wish were different in my life.

And what those two things have in common is that they will never become mine.  Those wants and those wishes are just the daydreams of a poor child who still blows on dandelion puffs and rubs bottles.

Life is what you make of it, people say.

Well, you can hand someone a pile of poo and tell them to make a chocolate pie with it, and the result might look like chocolate, but if you smell it or taste it you know exactly what you get.

Or, as my granny used to tell me, “Wish in one hand and spit in the other, see which one gets full first.”

Through the Looking Glass Darkly

Today I was thinking about how so many children today seem to have lost their sense of wonder.

The thought came to me as I was reading Go Set a Watchman today.  In a flashback in the novel a young Scout is afraid she is pregnant.

At her age in this novel children today would have no fear that a tongue kiss would make them pregnant, because they would know all about how babies are created.

But that is not the only place where wonderment is missing.

I will show my son things I find in nature.  I have shown him a feather, an interesting rock, the shell of a cicada left behind when it molted.  To me, at his age (he is six) those were amazing treasures.

He did briefly collect red leaves in a box, but even grew out of that.

His wonder is in the screen.  Right now he is obsessed with Minecraft.

Last night his dad had the TV and he couldn’t play.  He was wandering around huffy and puffy.  I asked him what was wrong he said, “I don’t know anything to do!”

“Boy!” I told him, “You have a whole room full of toys back there, don’t tell me you don’t have anything to do.”

Which is not to say that I didn’t say the same thing when I was his age.  I was bored plenty. But I didn’t have cable tv.  I didn’t have video games.  I didn’t have cartoons at my fingertips, or a whole room of gizmos and gadgets.  I had a few toys, a few books, and the whole wide world outside.

As an adult I want to go back to childhood.

I look at the world through a glass darkly.  I want to be able to look at it through the looking glass again instead.

Image in this post is a poster from amazon.com.  Click it if you think you’d like to purchase it!

Don’t Tell me to Smile

Have you noticed that people are not allowed to be unhappy, not even in the least.

In fact, if you are a female, you are not even allowed to have a “resting” face.  Don’t beleive me?  Think back on how many times you’ve been told to smile.  For no reason other than because you were not smiling.

Some people say that smiling, whether you feel like it or not, can actually make you BE happer.

This is not always the case.

Studies have shown that people who smile not because they are happy, but JUST to mask their more negative emotions, begin to associte smiling with UNHAPINESS.

Through research this study found that people who did not usually smile when they were happy actually felt WORSE when they smile more frequently.   The people who often smiled when happy felt better when they smiled.

So, if you are natural smiler then smiling can possibly make you feel better.  But if you’re natural inclination isn’t to break a huge grin every chance you get, then forcing yourself to smile will make your mood worse, not better.

Not to mention, when someone tells you to smile it is USUALLY a guy telling a woman to smile.

Why?

Because a smile is more pleasant for them to look at.

Yep, the guy wants you to smile, because HE thinks you look better when you smile and HE wants something easy on the eyes.  It’s not really about caring for the well being of the non-smiling person.  It’s all about desire and attraction.

If you really do care for someone and want them to be happier, then just commanding them to smile isnt the solution.

What do you do?

Don’t say, “You’d be happier if you smiled” or “You’d be pretty if you’d smile.” you should do something FOR them to make them smile.

Give them a compliment.  Give them a gift.  Tell them a joke.  Do something to brighten their day and EARN that smile.

Questions, and How they help you write

The world is full of questions.  Everyone has them.  Some questions are deep.  Other questions are shallow.  But every question, every single question, has the same roots.

Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How?

That is what I was taught once upon a time a long, long time ago in grade school.

I think it was English class, which would make sense.  Because you have to answer all, or most, of those questions to write anything.

Who are you writing about?  What are they doing? When did they do it?  Where did they do it?  Why did they do it?  How did they do it?

“What?” is also the basis of most fiction tales.  An author will be doing whatever it is that he/she does and an idea will come to them.

“What if…?”

From there they blanks will be filled in of the other questions.

Fiction writers and bloggers have this in common.

They have to take these bland questions, and turn them into something entertaining that someone will want to read.

For example, “For dessert my son had pudding. He ate it in his high chair, with his hands.” covers all the questions.

Who? My son.
What? Pudding
When? Tonight
Where? His high chair.
Why? For dessert
How? With his hands.

It tells you exactly what happened, but not with any attention to detail.  Nothing to set a scene.  Nothing to make a reader say, “that was interesting.  I wonder what else happens in this persons life?”

As a blogger it is important to flesh out your stories, even if you are writing about an item you are trying to get someone to buy.

You want to give the reader more, to make them want more, to make them come back.

See the example below as a slightly more fleshed out example (though even it is rough and needs more work.)

—-

puddingMy son had trouble eating his supper tonight.  He has a snotty nose, and would chew a little, the
n open his mouth to take a breath. Chew a little and breath again.

He gave up on supper and was very upset and crying.

We decided to let him skip supper for the most part, but still give him dessert.  He likes chocolate pudding, and pudding is pretty easy to eat without having to chew.

So we put him in his high chair and gave him a pudding cup and a spoon.  He knows how to use a spoon.  He’s pretty good at it.

But this was PUDDING!

He put the spoon aside and had his hands crammed down in that pudding cup.  It looked like he was wearing chocolate gloves.  And of course it was smeared all over his mouth too.

—-

Now, do you have a story to tell, but you’re unsure how to start?  Go ask yourself those 6 questions, then fill in the blanks, and flesh it out.