Monthly Archives: April 2016

April Goal Recap

Well, it is the last day of April as I sit and write this.

Funny how the end of the month is very much like the beginning of the month.  My oldest son is sick again, and I’m sick again.

I’m trying to get a jump on my April recap and May goals

Need a reminder of my April goals?  Go read them at “Alright, Do it Right April” on my list blog.  Go ahead, I’ll wait….

Now, how did I do?

  1.  I have started a Sacred Space or Altar for myself.  Its growing and changing a little at a time.  It is a collection of small things that I like, and each thing has meaning as well.   I’ll probably blog about it some time this month.

    I have tried meditating in front of it, but that didn’t go so well for me, as my children and husband always interrupt me.

    Of course, if I can’t even go #2 in the bathroom by myself, meditation didn’t stand a chance.

  2. I’ve still not journaled, or even blogged (since my blogs are very much like a personal journal), like I wanted to.  The intention is there.  I even have two journals and some pens as part of my Sacred Space.
  3.   No cleansing or purging has happened.  Again, good intentions, but I would take a look at whatever space I wanted to start on, and get cold feet.  Too much work.  I hate having to part with any of my stuff.  We have a whole house and I should not always be the one giving up my things.  But that is a rant for another time.
  4.   The mindfulness is about 50/50.  I have been slightly more aware of my moods, what was triggering them.  But I’ve not been able to turn my moods around.  When I went dark this month I stayed dark.

Now, wanna see what I’m up to in May.  Check out my May goals on my List Blog.

Struggling With a Lack of Myself

If you have read this blog before then you know I am on a quest to find myself.

Or, rather, I am on a quest to find a quest to find myself.

See, my soul wants to be shaken up.  I need a big change.  I need something that will rock the boat.

BUT….

I can’t afford (literally and figuratively) to rock the boat, because I’m not alone in it.

I work a full time job.  My husband only works part time.  We have a mortgage and 2 small kids to care for and feed.

My job has become a nightmare, and my relationship with my husband has become…questionable.  Except he refuses to acknowledge it.  I feel myself slipping away from him, and he doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong.

What I want to do is take some time off.  Some time away.  Some time apart.

I want to be isolated in a cottage in the countryside.  I want to be free to make and to create and to sit still and meditate for hours on end if I want to.

I need to be able to turn inwards.

But I can’t.

I spend 40+ hours a week at a job that I have come to LOATHE in the past year.  I mean, work is never fun.  I used to like my job a little more (despite how much I complained about it) because I always liked the people I worked with.

That isn’t true any more.  The  job has changed so much in the past 10 years its like I’m not even working at the same place anymore.  Even more so that we have the new manager.  If he can still be called new after 10 years.

Meanwhile, by the time I get home from work I’m mentally and physically drained.  I want to be creative, but I can’t.  I want to spend time with my sons, without being the mean mommy, but I can barely do that.  I just want to fall into bed and sleep and forget that I exist.

I love my sons deeply and dearly, but I need to be alone. (The job I work at has me surrounded by literally hundreds of strangers a day as well)

Then when the boys are finally both asleep and I can have some time to myself, my husband thinks that time, and my body, should belong to him.

I want to run away.

I can’t take time off though.  I can’t quit my job and search for a creative outlet.  Because if I don’t go to work every day then my husband can’t afford to pay the mortgage and feed the kids.  My family would be homeless and hungry.

I am a mother.  I will always sacrifice myself for my kids.

But after some recent very vivid nightmares (read about one here) I wonder at what cost.

So Much for March

For those of you who don’t know, I make a list of goals every month.  That is what I’m doing for 2016 instead of doing one list of “resolutions” for the year.

So far I’m doing a bang up job of failing to reach my goals every month.  But March was the worst.

First take a moment to visit my march goal list:
MARCHING FORWARD WITH MARCH GOALS

Did you read it?  Well, lets see how I did.

  1.  Nope.  Not even close.  In fact I started hitting the snooze button MORE often.  Couple of times I was cutting it super close getting the kid out of the house to get to school on time.  Mornings are NOT my friends. All I want to do is SLEEP.
  2. Well, I made exactly ONE journal entry for the entire month.  Which MIGHT could be considered a win instead of a fail because 1 is more than 0.  But I meant more often than once.  Maybe once a week.
  3.  Still not putting as much effort into this as I should.  My Happy Acres addiction on facebook is a hindrance.  I’ll open blogjob or mylot and leave without doing anything just to go harvest fake fruit and veggies.  Clearly this is a problem.
  4.  Another nope.  My blood pressure is out of control. My stress levels are out of control.  I’ve not been taking my medicine.  I’ve not been doing anything I ought to be doing to take care of myself.  I’m not even doing my hot bath therapy as I used to.  Never enough time.
  5.   Again I had the best of intentions, but didn’t actually take out any trash.  Unless you count the ACTUAL trash.  I took out plenty of that.  Specially diapers since the baby has had a tummy virus for a week now.

So that is how the last month went.

April’s list is Alright, Do it Right, April and is up on my list blog now