Friday

It’s really hard for me to be sick because I feel like every time this happens, I’m not getting anything done at all. All the plans I made for this vacation – hiking, fishing, working out – I’m not able to do any of them! There’s lots and lots of paperwork sitting on my desk just waiting to be finished and I can do that, sure I can, but this is my vacation, I’m not supposed to work even though I really want to.

Working out has also grown to become something I love and can’t go one day without, I feel lazy and almost disappointed in myself whenever I skip a day. I can’t do that now either and I’m extremely restless even though I’m completely exhausted (for doing nothing, that is). All day I’ve been sitting either beside my computer or in my bed thinking about what I can spend my day on doing and every time something pops up in my head, there’s the same conclusion all over again: I can’t do that because I’m sick. My body needs to rest, I’m very aware of that, but it’s frustrating to know that of all times possible, I had to get sick on my vacation.

Currently I’m waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. He’s going to make soup for dinner and it will be so good because he is the best cook I’ve ever known (besides me, lol). Maybe I should just get this paperwork over with, that way I have something to do instead of just waiting for the clock to turn 5. Later tonight I think we are going to order sushi or pizza (I’m craving both right now so deciding is up to him) and paint while eating. I have actually never met a guy that has the same interests as me and it’s pretty great.

Best friends?

Best friends can meet in such strange places. Boyfriends and girlfriends too for that matter. Most best friends meet via school and I’ve heard about a lot of old people who have stayed together since the day they first met. I never saw the point in making friends with someone in my class because somehow I already knew them and they were all the same. Interested in looking the best, getting all the boys etc. That was never me and I was never interested in having a conversation with someone who was too focused on being the most popular rather than discussing things that really matter.

I met my best friend at a party. Yes, a quite boring place to meet your best friend for the first time, I know. Usually drunk girls call whoever they meet at a party as their best friend, but this was different. Totally different. She was sitting all alone on a chair in a corner and I could see on her face that she knew she didn’t fit in with any of the people and she was absolutely right. First of all I have to say that me and my best friend are totally different. I didn’t even like her at first, she seemed stupid and there were so many simple things I had to explain to her over and over again because she didn’t understand any of it. I completely changed my mind about wanting to get to know her, but it seemed like I didn’t have a choice. She called me, I don’t know, around 20 times the following week asking if I had the time to hang out with her. At the end I got so tired of her calls that I said yes. Nothing bad could come out of it, right?

The next day arrived and I went over to her house. At first it was a little weird because she apologized for calling me so many times and we didn’t have a lot to talk about. She said that she had actually seen me at several parties and that she came to the last one because she wanted to talk to me. After three or four hours I went home and I started thinking. She didn’t act like she did at the party at all, maybe it was just the alcohol. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s caring, she’s everything I can think of actually. I decided to call her a little later in the evening and ask if she was up to anything tomorrow. She didn’t have any plans, so we hung out. We had a really great time and she is probably one out of two persons I can talk to about anything and not feel bad about it. I’m extremely glad I met her.

Paris on fire

“She was standing there, in the middle of the woods, on her knees, trying to get whatever it was up and out of her stomach. “Ran too hard?” She turned around, shocked at the sudden presence of someone else, and there he was. The boy she had been crushing on for months. She knew that she was just another girl he could fuck countless of times without getting any feelings involved. “Yeah, something like that,” she said in a toneless voice, trying not to let the shakiness in her words reveal how nervous she had become. “What are you doing here?” Her voice cracked at the last word and she immediately clenched her jaw. “Just taking a walk,” his voice was as casual as ever and that was something she envied. She would give everything to be that confident, it seemed to her that he wasn’t nervous about anything – ever. “You wanna join me?” He cocked his head a little to the side and the smile that made her fall for him in the first place appeared on his flawless face. “Sure, why not?” This time she was able to control her voice and that made her feel good.”

I’m embarrassed. This is probably the first thing I’ve written in ages, but it’s still the worst I’ve ever written. I have no idea where my imagination has wandered off to, but I would give the world to the person who could track it down. “Something is better than nothing” – that’s right, but in my case, when that something turns into some romantic drama (which we have enough of in this world), nothing is better than anything. I have no idea where that came from, it’s just not me. It’s not my style of writing and I don’t like it. Yes, I finally wrote something, but I can’t say I’m proud, that’s the last thing I would think of being.

Haunting

This has been quite a lazy and strange day so far. I got up at around 8 AM, which wasn’t really my plan at all. Since it’s my first day of vacation, I thought it would be nice sleeping a little longer than usual, but my body and mind didn’t agree with what I wished for. I got around three hours of sleep last night because there was too much going through my head and I can honestly say that I’m dead tired at this point of day. Trying not to give into the temptation of taking a nap, but that’s all I can think of.

Anyway, I got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down beside my desk. Yesterday I came up with a few ideas of what to write about, but stupid as I am, I didn’t write them down. Three hours later (without any luck) I decided to just drop the thought and go watch a little television. It’s not something I usually do because I find the television boring, there’s never anything interesting on. Three more hours passed until I could get my ass off the sofa. I decided to try again with the writing, but again with no luck. What has happened to me? A few months ago my brain was overflowing with words and now I can even write a single sentence to my on going novel. Not ever a word. It’s depressing that all I can write is something, anything, about what my day has been about. I don’t want to be that kind of writer, I want to be that kind of writer that comes up with great ideas, the kind that makes people swoon, but I guess that time is over. All I want to do is find my way back home, but I have no idea how to get there.

Twenty five

In my last post I talked about the despair I feel whenever I’m not able to write and the only person who has really seen my true despair is my boyfriend. He’s the only person who has seen how it truly affects me and he’s the only one who has supported me in times like these. He knows how to deal with me when I can’t get up in the morning or whenever I start acting up. He has seen the darkest parts of me and somehow he still wants to be in my life. He still wants to share it with me. It’s nice to finally have someone who hugs me whenever they see that I need it, someone who stays with me and put up with all the shit I say to them even though I know nobody deserves hearing certain things. I’m sure that my boyfriend would be long gone if he was someone else, but he isn’t gone and words can’t tell you how thankful I am for having him in my life.

There have been so many times where I’ve told him such shitty things he doesn’t deserve hearing. I can’t begin to explain how bad I feel about it and how much I wish I could take everything back. I’ve seen him cry because of me, I’ve seen his pain and his rage and I know how much I’ve hurt him. The weird thing about all of this is that he’s still here. He hasn’t left me. He deserves much better than me, someone who doesn’t take her rage out on him, and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve him. He’s much better without me, but he says after each fight that he won’t give up. He won’t let me go and that is something I love so dearly about him. He accepts me for who I am and he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve told myself over and over again that I need to get myself together, find something else that my rage can destroy, but it’s hard. It’s really hard, but I will do that for him. I don’t want to lose him, ever.

The magic is gone

I never thought my life would change this quickly – going from being a 21 year-old girl living at her parents’ house with no job, no boyfriend, no hope for the future what so ever, to getting a job (which I now think is my ultimate dream job too), a wonderful, loving boyfriend and my own apartment. Everything is going on a too fast pace and everything is almost perfect, yet there is one thing missing: I’m not writing. I’m a writer, but I can’t write. I’m trying my best, I really am, but nowadays there’s this big wall in my head that is separating me and my words – the words that once was my escape and my dearest love.

Sometimes I sit beside my desk and read through everything I’ve ever written and I can’t do anything but laugh at how hopeless I’ve become. The girl who once made words into small pieces of art is completely gone. She’s dead and I don’t like it. Not the tiniest bit. I can’t cont how many times the despair has fought me, how it has been screaming in my ear, and I can’t count how many times I’ve been sitting beside my desk crying or laying awake in the middle of the night without getting any sleep. My biggest love has never been a human being, it has always been words – how they cradle me in their lap and tell me that everything is going to be okay, how they make me feel that I’m alive, that I’m actually worth something, that I’m capable of doing something beautiful with my mind – nothing makes me feel better, but now the magic is gone. I don’t know where it went or if it will ever come back – all I know is that I can’t live without that special magic that makes the world seem more beautiful than it really is.

30-09-2014

Today has been a very good day so far, I managed to get up in time and didn’t dread going to work. I was so happy when I went to bed yesterday, all I could think of all day was that it had to end soon! Didn’t like yesterday at all, as you probably know. The weather is also improving and that is a very good thing for me, my boyfriend asked me yesterday if I wanted to go hike today if the weather was good and it is! We are having dinner when he comes home from work and I’m sitting wondering what I should make… Any suggestions?

Anyway, these past days I’ve been thinking about studying abroad for a year. I really want to visit another country and learn their culture. It would be amazing to get away from Norway too, except that I won’t be seeing my boyfriend as much… It’s a very difficult decision because I know that long distance relationships usually goes straight to hell, but if I decide to go, I hope we can find a way to stay together. I’m very lucky that has found someone like him and I don’t want it to end, who knows if I can find someone like him again or not? He’s perfect for me, but I still want to follow my dreams and do the best I can to make my life worth remembering. This is probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make in a long time and it scares me. It would be good for me to get away from all of this though, to experience things I haven’t experienced before, but then there’s my boyfriend… I know he’ll support me, but it’s going to be extremely hard for us when we are many miles away from each other. I just hope we can stay together and find a way.

Rainy

It’s 7:05 PM right now and I’m sitting by my desk listening to the rain and looking out the window. I’m wondering why I’ve felt so blue today. May it be because I didn’t get enough sleep before I had to go off for work? I think that’s the most fitting reason because I felt much better waking up from my nap a few hours ago. It’s kind of weird how sleep affects my mood, some years ago I could go days without any sleep and still feel as rested and cheerful. I guess I’m just getting older.

Another good reason for my bad mood may be because I’m really tired of the weather. It has seriously been raining all the time lately and everything is so grey when I look out the window. I’m not a big fan of that at all. I’ve been trying to ignore the fact that I haven’t seen the sun for weeks and keep my good mood up, but I guess it was time for my body to say stop. I really hope this isn’t going to continue, I want to see some sun soon! It’s no fun to go out hiking when everything around you is wet, especially not when you get home all soaked up. I made a plan today when I woke up about going out in the woods, but I wasn’t able to stick to the plan because it’s pouring outside right now. I just wish the weather would change just a tiny bit… It would have helped my mood so much! Sometimes this is how autumn is here in Norway, rain and wind and everything, but this isn’t the autumn I love… I want it to be cold, the sun shining through the trees and that good smell that comes whenever the autumn arrive. I wish this autumn didn’t turn out just like last year, but it looks like I won’t get my wish fulfilled…

Goals for next month

  • Go on as many hikes as I can. I have been terribly busy there past few weeks and it’s annoying that I sometimes don’t have the time to do what I love extremely much – hike. The voice in the back of my head is always complaining because hiking frees my mind and makes everything more clear and that results in better writing.
  • Hang out more with my boyfriend. I’m a person who loves being alone and it’s nothing I cherish more than to sit on my sofa reading a book or doing something else – all by myself. I definitely need to spend more time with my boyfriend if we want our relationship to be as good as it is now, I see him maybe to or three times a week and I feel that it’s not enough.
  • Work as much as I can. Combining my last goal and this one is going to be hard, but I love my job as much as I love my boyfriend. I probably have to cut out that habit of loving to be alone and I’m willing to do that.
  • Stay away from drinking and smoking. I think it’s going to go pretty well staying away from drinking because I don’t even crave alcohol any more, that’s a big step for me! It’s going to be a little harder with smoking though, but I know I can do it.
  • Visit my mother more often and try to build a better relationship with her. After I moved out from her house, I haven’t visited her. Not even once. That’s something that has to change! I don’t want our relationship to be worse than ever.
  • Write more. In order to be able to write more, I need to go on more hikes. In order to go on more hikes, I need to make more time. I could easily bring my boyfriend with me because he loves hiking as much as I do, and then it will be three things in one! I spend more time with my boyfriend, I go on hikes and after that I can write. So excited.

29-09-2014

This is one of those days where all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Nothing has happened, there’s nothing to be sad about, everything is just like before, but I still feel extraordinarily empty today. I had a really hard time getting up this morning and getting myself out of the door to reach work in time, all I wanted to do was stay home and listen to music. Have you ever been really, really empty? Like there’s nothing you can do to make yourself happy? Like there’s nothing that can ever make you smile? I’m having one of those days and I’m hating it. Everything have been so perfect lately, my boyfriend, my job, basically all things in my life has been on point and I have no reason at all to be sad. Knowing that I’m sad for no reason makes me even more sad because how can I feel like this when my life is so perfect, when I know there’s people out there struggling more than me? It’s awful, I know it has something to do with my depression, but I have absolutely no reason to feel this way! I can’t get my self to eat, not even a tiny bit of an apple. I tried eating a slice of bread this morning for breakfast, but it came right back up five minutes later. The depression is making me sick and I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. I can’t wait to come home to my bed and lay there the rest of the day, watch useless movies, cry over stupid things and call my boyfriend just to hear his voice. This is bad and I hope it’s just this one day and not the rest of the week, it feels like the deepest corners of my depression has caught up with me.