I’m very on and off about the whole exercisingthingy, but today I took measurements and stepped on the scale, it surprised me! This time I’m determined to keep going. Losing weight isn’t my goal, but gaining weight is. I’ve always been underweight and it is frustrating. No matter how much I eat, I lose weight and that is NOT what I want. It’s almost the exactly same thing as overweight people wanting to lose weight but their body just won’t cooperate. But guess what?! When I stepped on the scale today, it showed 99 pounds and that means that I’ve gained 4 pounds! I was over the top and made a huge breakfast that I devoured in 10 minutes. Dancing around and singing has been what I’ve mostly done today because I’m so happy. It feels so incredibly good to finally accomplish something that I’ve struggled with for so long. There doesn’t exist any words for how happy I am right now. Now I can hear food scream my name from the refridgerator and, this may seem weird, but I can’t wait to gain more weight 😀
Althought I haven’t completely quit smoking (I sometimes sit out in the garden, watch the sunrise, drink coffee and enjoy a cigarette) this have helped me a lot! Not only do you save money, but you also save yourself from all the toxins that you get from cigarette and you still get the nicotine.
Ever heard of the e-cigarette? At first when a friend told me about it, I thought it wouldn’t be the same at all and that I would miss the cigarettes. I was wrong! There’s not often I catch myself thinking about cigarettes. Everybody trying to quit smoking should really try this.
Although it’s not scientifically proved that it doesn’t harm you in any way (of course it does though, there’s still nicotine in the juice and the damp it produces), it’s much better than the harmful smoke of toxins you breathe in every time you take a drag of your cigarette. I’ll have to be honest, writing about cigarettes makes me want one, but I’ll stay strong.
You can get the ejuice, as it’s called (the juice containing nicotine), in every flavour you want, even tobaccoflavour, not that I could ever understand why someone would want that. The ejuices range all from 36mg nicotine to 0g nicotine. Yes, you can get the ejuice without nicotine! When you’ve quit smoking, you can continue, but without the nicotine. It’s supposed to make it feel like you’re smoking a cigarette, but this is completely harmless, so you won’t give in and start smoking again.
I purchased my e-cigarette from https://smoke-it.dk, but I did not order the ejuice from Denmark since it’s not allowed to sell nicotineproducts from that country. They also have an English site that you can order the ejuice from and you’ll find the address on their page.
I’ve got some music I always listen to when I’m in a bad mood and I will post every single one of them here. Updating the list as often as I can.
Ville Valo and Nathalia Avelon – Summer Wine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONdsLfVZMso
Elvenking – Ophale: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1CTcktZ73Y
Elvenking – Through Wolf’s eyes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFzzIMdJJPo
Elvenking – On the Morning Dew: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzuXVH7FrWg
Gamma Ray – Send me a Sign, acoustic version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9HKsvHgs8Q
I really had hope this time. I really thought I was finally getting a job, but what happened? They declined. Of course they did. Everyone does. All the time. I thought I was finally going to earn some money, to start my life, be free from this horrid place. There’s so many jobs I’ve applied for but everyone has declined. I’ve tried and tried and tried and never given up hope, but this time… I have. Who am I fooling, I can’t save enough money to go to South Africa, I will never leave this town. This dump of a town, anyway. I’m wondering if I’m relapsing, drowning in this evil circle of depression. The good part about depression is that I write better, but I hate the fact that my life isn’t going where I want it to.
Oh God, what am I even doing writing this, no one wants to read about the life of someone who complains all the time. No one is going to read a blog about the life of a depressed person.
I finally think that things are starting to happen in my life! Everything is so exciting.
First of all, I’m taking my drivers license soon. I’ve been pushing this farther and farther away, but this time I WILL do it. There’s no turning back now. This is what I’m mostly excited for, because I can drive to beautiful places where I couldn’t get to before, I can hike where I want to hike and not just around where I live. When I’m upset I like to be alone and listen to loud music, and now I can be alone, listen to loud music and look at stunning places I’ve never been to before. I can even go on roadtrips with my very best friend and that is going to be crazy. We’ve been talking about this for a long time and it’s finally happening. The best part is that we have exactly the same taste in music, which is amazing, because almost everything I like, he likes too. We like doing the same things, we like the same music, can it get even better? Sometimes I wonder if I’ve found my soulmate and I think I have. He’s literally the best. I don’t think we’ve ever had a fight before, yes, we can be rude to each other and people say that it always looks like we’re fighting (which we are not), but I love that I can be so free around him. Words I could never think of saying to anyone else, I can say to him. Some people may think that we’re ment to be, but we’re far from in love. We just love each other.
Second, I’m finally getting a job! Or at least I think so. My mum works with old people and they need people where she works. She was told that the person who will be employed doesn’t need any education (which I don’t have) so it’s a pretty big chance I get the job. I won’t be cleaning the old ones and feed them and stuff, something I would not like to do, but I will make and serve them food. Cleaning rooms and things I like! I like it because I can be on my own and not have to work with other people, I don’t like that because I’m a huge fan of being alone. Sweet, sweet solitude.
AND THIRD, I am now planning my move to South Africa, as I told you about in my first post. I can’t express how excited I am for that one! Yes, of course it will be scary to move to a country where I don’t know a single soul, but it will be so relaxing to go around town where nobody knows my name and don’t have to stop to talk with people. It will be funny to eat at restaurants with food I’ve never tasted before. Late night walks to places I’ve never seen but will get to know. The people I will get to know. My fine apartment with my own decorations. I just can’t wait for it all to start.
I’m proud of myself for everything I’ve achieved today! Studied for 4 hours straight (just to let you know, I suck at studying and can’t really concentrate) and concentrated the whole time. This is a really big step for me since I dropped out of school because of my difficulty concentrating. It’s not really joyful being in school and just sitting in classes not being able to understand the topic or wasting time. In a few years I’ll try again, but for now I’ll just concentrate on my writing because, not to brag, but I’m pretty good at writing novels and short stories. Actually got straight A’s at writing in school!
My sister visisted today and we’ve never actually been close, but we talked and talked and talked about every single little thing. It’s so good to finally feel that there’s at least someone in my family I get along with. I always feel like I’m the black sheep when we’re spending time together because we don’t talk that much, they don’t know about a thing that’s going on in my life and (in my view, even though I’m pretty sure it isn’t true) they never really care about anything. A family is supposed to be supporting and loving, but they’ve never been there for me or supported my projects and my choices. I know they’re my family and they have to accept what I choose, but I guess that’s not the case for all families.
Anyway, I’ve had a pretty good day except from feeling kind of exhausted all of the time. It’s probably because of the sun because I always get headaches and feel really drained when it’s hot and sunny outside. But no complains! It have been so beautiful weather these past weeks and I love it. Gotten a really nice tan too. I wish that my hopes for this weather lasting will come true!
I had this really weird dream the other day, about zombies and Richard Ramirez. We were chased by zombies (which is the dumbest thing I know of) and he actually rescued me from them. Which is, what can I say, extremely confusing. I think he did that because he wanted to have the joy of killing me himself, but he didn’t kill me, and I feel flattered. He told me that I didn’t have any qualities or belongings he wanted and therefore it all becomes even more confusing because that’s what sociopaths want, they don’t rescue someone just because they want to rescue you. For those who doesn’t know who Richard Ramirez is, he was a sociopathic serial killer and rapist in the period of June 1984 to August 1985. He died in 2013 from B-cell lymphoma while awaiting execution on California’s death row.
I know some people think that dreams have something to tell you and that dreams can be a sign of some sort. Does anybody know anything? It would be interesting to find out if this actually means something even though I’m completely sure it doesn’t. Just want to hear your opinions on this.
I hate the fact that I almost never contact any of my friends and that they almost never contact me. I’ve lost contact with “the gang” (if I can call them that since only the five of us used to hang out all the time) and it hurts too much because I know that there’s nothing I can do about it. My ex is in that so-called gang and I think the only reason for why they never ask me to hang out with them is because he probably doesn’t want me there. He hasn’t said anything bad about me to them and there’s no hard feelings between us, it’s just that it’s kinda weird to hang out with the person you used to date (he’s also the only person I’ve ever been in love with). I don’t think you ever get over the first person you loved. There’s no regrets about dating him, it’s just that I wish things didn’t have to be so weird between us because I’m losing the people I love the most, the people I would do anything for.
Also my best friend is in town now (she lives 5 hours away) and I haven’t even spoken to her. She’s been here since Wednesday and just now I found out that all of them are having a reunion, barbecuing and drinking beer. All of them. Without me. And she haven’t said a word about it to me. None of them has.
Is it me? Is there something wrong with me or is it just because that my ex doesn’t want me there? I wonder and wonder and the question won’t leave my mind. I know I can be harsh, rude and cold, but I can’t change that, nothing can, because I was diagnosed some years ago with something no shrink can fix. They don’t know it. Well, at least not all of them. The only one who knows it seems to accept it and he always talks to me. I think I should call him my best friend rather than the girl that lives 5 hours away. He knows me better than my mum does. He even knows me better than I know myself.
This is really just a stupid and pathetic rant, but I love them.
I am so excited! You’re probably wondering why and I’ll tell you exactly why I’m excited. I’m excited because in a few days (10 days precisely) a whole new chapter of my life is starting. I’ve been planning this for a long time and now it’s time to start doing something about it. I’m moving to another country! I’m more motivated than ever to start saving up money. Just the thought of getting my own apartment with my own cat, waking up to early mornings and look at the sunrise all alone with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Turning up the music and listening to whatever I want to when I’m cooking, cleaning, you name it. Walking alone in a city I don’t know, getting to know new people, a new culture, this will be the best thing that will ever happen in my life.
Oh, I haven’t told you what country I’ve planned moving to. It’s my favourite country of all time. Anyone guessing what it is? South Africa! I am the happiest girl alive right now. I know some afrikaans, but now much. They speak english there of course, but it would be extremely fun to actually know the language so I’m taking some lessons online. To be honest, I’m getting pretty good at it! I don’t think I’m able to write anything more right now because I am so extremely excited, my hands are shaking.