When I look up at the sky, I feel small

The universe is so big and it’s extremely weird to look up at the sky and know that this is only a little part of the universe. I’ve always meant that this isn’t the only planet where there are life, there have to be life at another planet because everything is so big.

I love lying out on the grass and just look up at the sky. Looking at the clouds, see them move and drift apart. Sometimes I sit out on the grass in the middle of the night looking up at the stars and the moon and I feel that there has to be someone else out there. Someone who maybe are doing exactly the same as me, sitting on the grass (or whatever they’re sitting on) looking up at the sky and knowing there is someone out there, life on another planet. I get so exasperated with those who only believe that we are the only living creatures, we’re the only planet in the whole universe that’s got life. Are they aware of how big the universe really is? How many galaxies there are? How many planets, suns and moons there is out there? I think that the people who believe that hasn’t even thought about what I just said or maybe they just want this planet to be special. Maybe they’ve always been told that earth is the only planet that’s got life and they’ve started to believe it. I feel sorry for people like that because they aren’t able to expand their minds, to think differently. It’s fine that we all have different opinions, but I still feel sorry for them. With this I don’t mean that I feel superior on any way, I mean that I think it’s nice sitting out on the grass in the middle of the night knowing that we aren’t the only living creatures in the universe.

My favourite sounds

When the paper of a chocolate bar is opened. I love chocolate. It’s like a drug to me. Actually, you can get addicted to chocolate because of the adrenaline that gets realised in your body whenever you eat it. A few years ago I ate chocolate every day and I could eat up to five bars before I was satisfied. I know it’s not healthy to eat too much chocolate, so I try to save it until the weekends. Then I almost binge on chocolate because it’s so good and it seems like I can never get enough of it.

My mothers voice yelling that dinners ready. This isn’t often so it’s quite nice to hear when she wants me to eat dinner with her. She makes the best dishes because she has a lot of free time and she loves cooking. Her cakes and cookies are much better than the dishes though (just because I have a sweet tooth that always wants cakes and cookies). I could literally eat candy to every meal, but since it’s not healthy, I don’t do it. I would get pretty tired of candy too if I was going to eat it every single day.

My nieces laughter. This means she’s having fun and I love when she’s having a good day. She’s only three years old and can be very grumpy at times, but when she’s first laughing, she can laugh for minutes on end.

The sound of the car that delivers mail. Especially if I’m waiting for something I’ve ordered!

Finding that perfect song. There doesn’t exist so many songs that I find perfect, but some of those songs are: Closer by Slum Village, Selfish by Slum Village, Biochemical Equation by Wu-Tang and Clan, 4 Ever by Method Man and Break ups 2 Make ups by Method Man.

My boyfriends voice. Of course that’s one of my favourite sounds, he’s got such a lovely voice, but the only thing more lovely than his voice is his laughter.

“What’s happened to your arm?!”

This is one of the questions I get on a daily basis if I’m out with strangers and wearing a top that doesn’t cover my upper arm. I absolutely hate this question. Yeah, I may have scars on my arm and I know that you may be curious, but can’t you try figuring out that I’ve maybe had a hard time growing up and that the only way I could relieve it was by making the mental pain go over to physical pain? Didn’t it occur to you that it maybe hurt me when you asked me that question? Didn’t it occur to you that I probably had forgotten all about the pain at that moment and didn’t think about it until you mentioned my scars?

I’m sorry for saying this, but some people are extremely disrespectful. Not everyone I meet asks me questions like that, of course, but some doesn’t understand even after they’ve asked the question and I’ve given them the look that says “why should I explain anything to you?” that they need to shut up before I slap them. They keep asking questions like “is it long ago since you cut?” and “why would you do that to yourself?”. It’s my personal issues and not your business at all. I’m not going to sit down and explain to you that my father died because of an overdose, that he meant the world to me, that I’m adopted, that I’m unemployed with no education, that I go days without food and that I lost someone who made me feel alive. I’m not going to sit down and explain to you when it’s none of your fucking business.

At the mall today, a stranger came up to me and asked me right away why I would do such an awful thing to my own body. I nearly knocked him right down to the ground and I would have if my sister wasn’t there and calmed me down. She knows about my anger issues and she’s helped me in a lot of situations where I haven’t been able to control myself, and I’m so thankful for that. I bet there would have been loads of people getting smacked at several occasions if she wouldn’t have been there. I’m glad she’s my sister.

Autumn

God, I love autumn. Looking so much forward to it. The beautiful colours, the chilly air, the tea, the soups, the long walks, just everything. Only thing I don’t like about autumn is that I tend to lose a lot of weight. I don’t see the reason why because I don’t eat any less than what I normally do, so I wonder if anyone’s got the answer.

The air is getting colder and it’s near now! Sometimes I just sit out in the garden and watch the leaves, watch their colour and breathe in the fresh air. It is the most relaxing thing and I wish it was autumn all year long (even though I know that’s not happening and that not everybody want that), but I have an idea! What if I travel around the world and stay in places where it’s autumn and when it’s over there, I go to another place? In my view that’s a pretty good idea 😀

I woke up today and watched the sunrise and I noticed that the air was much colder than it was a week ago. This is a good sign! Every beginning of a new year I sit and wait for the autumn to come. People have always said to me that it’s extremely weird that I love this season so much, but I can’t even understand why they think it’s so weird? Everybody must love beautiful colours! A few years ago (when I had much more energy for everything than I have now) I always used to get up early in the morning and go hiking. Taking pictures and all that. It was my meaning of life because taking pictures was the only thing that made me feel kind of alive. But that’s changed. I started writing and it completely swallowed me whole because this is what really makes me feel alive.

Woops, I trailed off there. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that if you haven’t experienced autumn yet, you have to do it! It’s the most beautiful thing that exists.

Just like nothing

I remember the last time I visited my “best friend” (the one that lives 5 hours away) and it wasn’t the best trip I’ve had. Yes, it was nice the first few days (and the rest of the festival when I wasn’t staying at her apartment), but she and her boyfriend was fighting all the time and he was often at her apartment. It was nice when she was at work and I was alone, because I didn’t get so much alonetime when I was with her, she was literally stalking me all the time.

The reason why I visited her was because of a festival I really wanted to go to and I had a good time, until she started crying over every little “wrong” thing I did. It was wrong in her view, but not in mine. I was just trying to get to know other people and she said that I ignored her, which I did not do. I never ignore anyone, except if they’ve done something to me or they give me a hard time coping.

The festival lasted four days and two days in a row she cried and accused me of things I hadn’t done. I started ignoring her because I didn’t go to that festival only to regret spending money on it later. The plan was to have a good time and not letting anything ruin that. I stayed at her apartment, but I didn’t want to anymore because of how she was behaving. Fortunately, people were so kind there, I made a lot of new friends and someone actually asked me if I wanted to stay at their house instead because I now had nowhere to sleep. Of course I said yes and that’s when the real fun started. After we got home from the festival and were supposed to sleep, we stayed up all night talking instead.

After that festival, I’ve had almost no contact with that so-called “best friend” of mine (which is what she still calls me, but I have no intention of calling her that and I’ve never had any intention of calling her that) and my life has gotten so much better. She still owe me 80 dollars and she knows it. The only times I talk to her is when I’m going to tell her that I demand to have my money back, but do you know what she says every goddamn time? “I’m broke right now. I’m sorry, but this is not the right time to give you your money back.” She says that every time. Well, if she wasn’t so broke as she says she is, she wouldn’t have bought tons of drugs, gone to the Netherlands and she wouldn’t have been getting wasted every single day. THAT is why I don’t borrow anyone money anymore, I’m so tired of people like that.

How I quit smoking

Althought I haven’t completely quit smoking (I sometimes sit out in the garden, watch the sunrise, drink coffee and enjoy a cigarette) this have helped me a lot! Not only do you save money, but you also save yourself from all the toxins that you get from cigarette and you still get the nicotine.

Ever heard of the e-cigarette? At first when a friend told me about it, I thought it wouldn’t be the same at all and that I would miss the cigarettes. I was wrong! There’s not often I catch myself thinking about cigarettes. Everybody trying to quit smoking should really try this.

Although it’s not scientifically proved that it doesn’t harm you in any way (of course it does though, there’s still nicotine in the juice and the damp it produces), it’s much better than the harmful smoke of toxins you breathe in every time you take a drag of your cigarette. I’ll have to be honest, writing about cigarettes makes me want one, but I’ll stay strong.

You can get the ejuice, as it’s called (the juice containing nicotine), in every flavour you want, even tobaccoflavour, not that I could ever understand why someone would want that. The ejuices range all from 36mg nicotine to 0g nicotine. Yes, you can get the ejuice without nicotine! When you’ve quit smoking, you can continue, but without the nicotine. It’s supposed to make it feel like you’re smoking a cigarette, but this is completely harmless, so you won’t give in and start smoking again.

I purchased my e-cigarette from https://smoke-it.dk, but I did not order the ejuice from Denmark since it’s not allowed to sell nicotineproducts from that country. They also have an English site that you can order the ejuice from and you’ll find the address on their page.

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