This is not how I wanted it to be



The weekend has “finally” arrived and there’s probably a huge part of the population who is thankful for that, but I’m one of few who isn’t. Weekend means spending time alone to me because I officially have no friends left. My best friend has moved to another city because she needed a fresh start and well, you know the story behind me and my boyfriend. I could always sit down and continue on my novel and I’ve tried that, but it’s quite hard when my brain is tired and not cooperating. I could always go out and run, hike, push myself to my limits, but I’m too tired after this long week at work. I could always write on here, but that’s even harder to do than continuing on my novel because nothing interesting is happening in my life at the moment and it’s dragging me down. I have loads of drafts, but I can’t find the motivation to start writing on them and finishing them because it’s drafts about things that isn’t really what I want to write about. I want an interesting life, I want to hang out with friends and do loads of crazy stuff. I realize now that this is probably meant to be for me, not having friends or anything like that because I have never gotten along with anyone before. All my friendships have been thrown away like garbage and I’ve always been the one who has said or done something unforgivable. I have tried so many times to change, but without any luck because I’m me and I’ve realized now that it’s nothing I can change. This is who I am and I’m meant to be alone. This is how my life is meant to be, despite how much it hurts and how lonely it gets, I can’t do anything about it.



Pause

It feels like I’ve been gone for weeks! It has only been six days though, but the time has passed so incredibly fast and it’s scary how you can lose track of time when you’re busy all the time. I’ve mostly been busy working, but I’ve also written the first chapter of my new novel. It’s exciting and even though it isn’t very good, it’s still something. It feels like I’m back in the game and that feeling is overpowering me at the time, I haven’t felt this content with everything in a very long time. I’m not sure what made the words form in my mind yet again, but I think it has something to do that everything has been changing way too fast and I’m clinging on to things from my past that I’m not ready to let go of. I was confronted with those things a week ago and that left me thinking – a lot. Me and my boyfriend have been separated for almost a week now (we haven’t broken up, that’s not what I meant) and things are very complicated, but still it’s quite good. I love how things are right now, but I miss him. We talk every day, we do, but we don’t meet up and hang out. We both needed a break from each other and we both have different things to take care of in our life. I understand if this is what makes us break up, the sweet feeling of not being dependant on anyone, and if we were really meant to be together, then we would have been together. I wouldn’t feel sad if we broke up either, things happen and people move on. Don’t get me wrong, everything has been going amazing for us lately, it’s just that we both needed the space. We’re not seeing other people, we just don’t hang out. I’m really not sure how it came to this, but if we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other.

Doing things a second time

I remember my first time on vacation. The fear of entering a plane and taking off, fly really high up in the sky, looking down at the clouds, the cities beneath me, and at last the feeling of being free. It’s something beautiful, being able to be that high up and looking down on everything below you, but it was nice too, getting off the plane. At first I was scared, I almost started crying, what if something went wrong? I’ve heard that the chance of getting into a car crash is higher than the chance of a plane crashing, but that didn’t comfort me at all when I first stepped into it. When a few minutes had passed, I actually liked it quite much, being so high up in the air.

The first thing I did when I came home from that vacation was going straight to my own bed. My soft, big bed that was mine only. I had missed it so much, there isn’t a better place to sleep than in your own bed, right? I slept like a baby that night, but I got sad when I woke up and found out that I was home and not on vacation. I absolutely loved that vacation. In my opinion, the first time for everything is always the best time and I’m pretty sure that’s right because I haven’t found so much joy in anything when I’ve done it a second or third or forth time. It’s probably because it’s something new and you’ve never done it before and that makes it exciting. It’s not as exciting when you do it a second time because you know what to do and you know exactly how it will feel. There are some things that makes you just as happy the second time as it made you feel the first time though, like writing or hiking or running or something you really enjoy, but it’s hard finding things that do that to you.

Early Tuesday

I have absolutely no words for how amazing it was going out for a run this morning. The sun is still shining and the sky is still blue, and the happiness of opening the door and feeling the warmth on my face was extraordinary. This is one of  the things that makes it worth living! Knowing that you are able to use your body in every way possible. Things like running doesn’t need discipline because there’s actually nothing holding you back when you know that it gives you so much pleasure. I’ve always said that if you have a healthy body, push your limits and take advantage of it. Think of all the people who isn’t healthy, who can’t use their body because they’re sick or handicapped. When I was a child, I used to sit inside on my ass all day because it was such a big burden for me to go out (not really, I was just lazy), but then my mother told me exactly what I told you right now, and once I’d thought about it, I went out just to walk around town. You should appreciate what you’ve got and not waste any of your time by sitting inside and bore yourself. You’ll thank yourself when you grow old and know that you’ve done your best with everything. I’ve always been afraid of getting old knowing that I haven’t done what I want to do with my life and the earlier you start, the more you’ll get to do and the happier you’ll be. I don’t want to spend my last hours thinking about what I haven’t done, what I regret and what I should have done, that’s why I started at an early age because I want my life to matter, I want my last hours to be hours of pleasure, hours where I reminisce and know that I’ve used my life right.

What I achieved last month

  • I got a few new friends and took up lost contact with one of my former friends. It’s hard for me to get new friends, but last month was a success. Sometimes you meet the right people and they settle down to stay in your life and I’m grateful for that. I feel bad about taking contact with some of my former friends though since it didn’t work out as well as I thought it would, but now I know that till later in life!
  • I understood that there are something that needs to change in my life. I’m not truly happy even though I finally have my own apartment, a boyfriend and a well paid job. I haven’t figured out yet what is wrong, but hopefully I can figure it out sooner or later, all I know right now is that something has to change.
  • The dreams I’ve had for many, many years started to become reality. I’m making money now and can do everything I’ve always wanted to do. Visit new places, buy things I’ve wanted for a long time and buy gifts for my boyfriend. I think I’m finally starting to grow up!
  • I reread and started editing one of my novels. I’ve dreaded this for a long time because rereading and editing novels aren’t something I enjoy as much as I enjoy writing them. It’s a start though and I like that I’m getting somewhere.
  • I found peace with parts of myself I’ve disliked for a long time. This is a huge achievement for me, really, because it’s very hard for me to accept the parts of me that disgust me, but I’m getting there, even if it’s taking a long time.
  • Some songs were written. I spent a lot of time alone with my guitar and a huge stack of paper and it feels so extremely good knowing that I finally got some words on paper.

Things you don’t know about me

  • I can sit hour after hour reading about a specific topic. Even if it’s boring. It’s weird, I can find a topic extremely boring and think that it would be a waste of time spending time reading about it, but I do it anyway.
  • I listen to so many different music genres. From dubstep to rock and everything in between. I can’t even count on two hands how many genres I listen to.
  • Over half of the friends I’ve had and have now, are boys. Right now I can think of only one female friend. I have always had a grudge against hanging out with girls because it’s true what they say, there are far much more drama than it is with boys. Some girls find some unimportant thing just to weep about it to other friends and I absolutely hate it. I’ve also heard from the friends I have that girls around town are afraid to talk to me because they have never seen me hanging out with a girl, only boys.
  • A few years ago I practised boxing. I quit when I had two of my teeth knocked out. They are now replaced and I hate that I have two unnatural teeth in my mouth. I sometimes go boxing though and the matches are usually between me and my boyfriend because he practises MMA. Whenever he see that I’m angry, he asks me if I want to go fight him, it’s so cute that he knows how I prefer getting that angry feeling out of my mind.
  • When I was a little child, everything I dreamt of was becoming a professional cook. It’s weird actually because at the time of my anorexia, I still used to cook – a lot. Ever since I saw my stepmother make her famous chocolate cake, I’ve wanted to become a cook, but after I saw how stressful I completely pushed that thought away. Anyway, I don’t want to become a cook now, all I’m striving for is becoming a writer.

“Why are we moving?!”

I remember when I first heard my mother telling me that it was time to move away from the town we were living in. I didn’t understand why, there was nothing wrong the the town, was there? Tears started streaming down my face because I would never want to leave my father, seeing him was the highlight of my day. At first I refused to do anything, I refused to pack, I refused to eat, I refused to get out of bed in the morning and everything I did was locking myself up in my room and not wanting to talk to anybody. The only person I opened the door for was my father whenever he came to visit. It didn’t take long before I finally came out again, it didn’t even go two days.

When we arrived, everything was new and interesting. I had never been to this town before and it was bigger than the first one we lived in. My mother gave me my cellphone and said that I could explore a little bit around the neighbourhood and to call her if I got lost. So I did. Almost everything looked the same and I was afraid. I was afraid of starting at a new school, I was afraid of not being able to get any friends, I was afraid to be alone. Nothing of that happened of course, I was only a little child at that time. I got lots of new friends and I really liked it here. As I have now grown to love the town, there are some things that I don’t like at all. The people for instance. Everybody is very rude and we’re known for being the most self centred and ignorant people in this part of the country. That doesn’t really matter for me, even though it’s hard getting to know people from other cities since all they think when they hear where I’m from is that they should stay away from me. Some people have been open about it and haven’t been judging me at all and that is nice. I often think about getting away from this town even though I love it and I really hope it happens soon.

If I had only one month left to live

There are so many things I would have done if I had only one month left to live. I often think about this actually, it’s important to me to have a list ready if this was ever going to happen. You never know, right?

  • Visit as many countries and places as possible. I could do it right now too, it has always been one of my biggest dreams, but at this time in my life I want to settle down and work a few years before I do it.
  • Meet some of my biggest idols. It would be amazing to die knowing that I’ve met the people that has inspired me throughout life. Those are the people who have done things that has gotten me where I am today.
  • Give gifts to everyone I love. I always show love to people who mean a lot to me, but if I were dying, I would buy them gifts. I can’t do that right now because I don’t have the money, but I would definitely do it if I had.
  • Spend loads of time with my family and friends. This is the most important thing for me to do if I had only one month left to life. These are the people I love and cherish the most and I want to spend my last hours with them.
  • Go on many hikes. I want to feel free and know that I could do something that is a big part of my life even if I were dying.
  • Try to get one of my novels published. I have written a few novels, but I have never gotten around to trying to publish them. It would be nice to do it right now, but there are so much that needs fixing. The novels I’ve written are only a first draft.
  • Write personal letters to everyone that mean something to me. Sometimes it’s a wonderful feeling to get a personalized letter from a friend telling you why they love you and what makes you special. I have actually started to write some of the letters because sometimes I think about just disappearing from everything, move to a country where nobody knows my name and never come back to this town. It’s more of a dream than a goal, but it would feel so freeing to just do it, meet new people and visit new places.

Hurting

It hurt so extremely much to see my best friend as sad as she was yesterday. We made tacos, she managed to eat a little bit before she had to run to the toilet to puke. She apologized, but I said it was nothing to apologize for because I know how hard it is to eat when your boyfriend has just broken up with you. She told me that she hadn’t been able to eat at all the past few days because she had this weird feeling in her stomach all the time and all she could feel was sadness and anger. What hurts the most about seeing her like this is that I know exactly how it feels. I know that eating is the last thing you want to do and that talking to other people requires so much energy that you can’t socialize for more than a couple of hours. Knowing that she feels this way is hurting me more than anything I can think of right now, it’s even hurting more than the fact that I’m not writing anything. I wish there was something I could do for her, but right now I know that there are no ideas and tips for how to forget that guy. They were together for almost three years and he didn’t even have the heart to give her an explanation for why he broke up with her. I know why he broke up, he told me because we’re really good friends, but not even I have the heart to tell her… All I’m hoping for is that she does it better in getting over him than I did when I tried to get over my ex. I hope that she doesn’t see drugs as an escape and that she manages to think forward and not think about the past.

Saturday

It was so good to wake up this morning feeling completely rested. I’m actually much better now and I just hope that I’m able to go for a hike tomorrow. My mind really needs it! The fever is gone and I have so much energy. I finished all the paperwork yesterday so I don’t have to think about that for the rest of my vacation. There’s only a few days left of it ad I feel like I haven’t done much, but hopefully I’ll be able to do some of the things I planned the upcoming days.

Me and my boyfriend just came home from a lovely dinner with his parents. I haven’t met them before so it was amazing to finally meet them! His mother makes the most delicious lasagne I’ve ever tasted. We chatted over a few glasses of wine (yes, I know I said I made a promise to myself to not drink for a month, but it was only a couple of glasses anyway) and they are so extraordinarily kind and interesting to talk with.

Later tonight my best friend is coming over and we’re going to make tacos and probably watch a movie or something. I haven’t seen her in weeks and her boyfriend broke up with her yesterday so I’m glad that she’s coming over to see me. I’m going to the grocery store now to pick up some ice cream and chocolate, hopefully that will cheer her up a bit. I hate seeing her sad and tonight I will do everything to get a smile on her beautiful face.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Saturday! Usually I go out for drinks, but I feel happy about not having to wake up hungover tomorrow. I can’t really remember the last time I wasn’t hungover on a Sunday and I can’t wait to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, but hasn’t been able to do because of the dreadful hangover.